Lyn-Z's Ashes

 When you can no longer bare the pain, and your eyes fill with tears, Remember the happiness, And know that I'm still here.  That star in the sky, that shines bright from all the rest, That's me watching over you, and wishing you all the best.  Our song playing on the radio, I'm playing just for you. Keep me alive in your memories, and I promise you'll make it through.  Rejoice for me and be happy, For I have gone to my heavenly home.  Look for me in everything, As I am closer than you know.  I cannot say goodbye, Since this is not the end. You'll find me in your memories, Until our souls meet again. 

                                                         She sat there alone in that disgusting hotel room again. She had no idea where he was, what on earth he was doing, or who he was with. And to be honest, she didn't care. If he wasn't there, he couldn't hurt her. She was used to figuring out how she was going to get to work the next day in the event that he never showed up, used to defending herself against outrageous accusations, and used to trying to shield herself from his deafening blows. Her dreams were no longer of what she would do with her life, but surviving the life that she had.  Her heart was too big and she was too forgiving. She thought she could pray the devil out of him. She thought if she put up with all of the pain, all the bruises, all the trauma, that he would see that not all people are bad, not everyone leaves, a...

                                   Before she lets you in she needs to let you know. She needs you to know that she's broken. She needs you to know that she doesn't know when or if ever she will heal. She needs you to know that all she's known is hurt. She needs you to know that she's convinced herself that she doesn't deserve someone like you. She needs you to know that she needs constant reassurance. She needs you to know that she will always ask if you're sure. She needs you to know that all she's known is loss. She needs you to know that she is always expecting that loss. She needs you to know that she's constantly waiting for you to leave. She needs you to know that she's praying you never will. She needs you to know that she has a huge heart. She needs you to know that all anyone has ever done is break it. She needs you to know that the entire month of May is a nightmare for h...

           I don't even know where to begin. I want to tell you everything but I don't know where to start. Guess I should start by telling you that nothing is what it seems. It hasn't been for a long time now. I just didn't know how to tell you. If you have someone in your life that suddenly stops reaching out first, cancels on plans, or is just all around not themselves, I urge you to reach out. Sometimes someone is dying to tell you but they don't want to admit to themselves because they're ashamed or in denial about what they're going through So here we go.      I am a domestic violence survivor.      I hate saying that. I hate typing it. Hell I hate to think of myself as a survivor.  The definition of survivor is "a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died." It takes me a while to wrap my head around this. I lost a very dear friend of mine to domestic viol...

         I feel like everyone needs to hear it. Even though most people have seen it their entire life no one really lives by it. I’ve been keeping to myself for the most part. I don’t go out much. If you know me at all, you know I’m a social butterfly. I guess I realized I needed to reel some things back in and get some things sorted out. So if you invited me to something I would want to go. But I would choose to stay in. Little things didn’t seem so important anymore and unfortunately, while I was working on myself I accidentally pushed everyone out and isolated myself only hurting me in the long run. So if you were one these people that I pushed out, just know that I miss you and pray for you daily. Which brings me to my next point. You couldn’t read a title like that and not expect this to be faith based right? Now when I was a little girl, I went to church every Wednesday and Sunday.  When I was in the second grade and had a crush on my girl best fr...

             One day it’ll hit you. And you’ll never see it coming. And you’ll give it your all just to realize you can’t do that. Because your all was taking from you over the years. You’ve adapted to your surroundings and become a stranger to yourself. You’ve been beaten down so much that you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back at you. And when that one person, your angel, you saving grace, your gift from God shows you the life you’ve fought for, you convince yourself that it’s not something you deserve. Because if no one before them could do it then why would it happen for you now? You literally destroy everything in your wake because everything before them has shown you and told you you’re not worthy of the right person to love you. So what do you do? Reset yourself. Relearn yourself. Relove yourself. No one needs a time machine to start over. So this is my rebirth. I’m letting go of the past. The pain. The hurt. And ...

First of all, screw 2017. 2018 is my year. I’m going to focus on me. Screw everyone else. It’s past due time for me. Y’all, I don’t mind helping. But my give a damn is officially broken. ✌🏼 This year I refuse to put myself out there for fuck boys and girls. You don’t wanna put time and effort into what I have to offer then bye! Your loss because I’m pretty fucking amazing. Don’t call me when you’re fucked up and wanna cuddle. Don’t call me to come fix something someone else broke.  Don’t call me unless you want me. And not just for the night. I understand people have struggles and difficult times in their life. I am the queen of struggle. I am the conqueror of difficult times. I understand that another human has broken you that you feel like there is no repairing what is lost. But I’m telling you there is. No one wants to get hurt in this life. But if no one ever took a chance on something, we would never be able to discover our true selves. And I’m not saying I’m looking for lo...

 I keep replaying things over and over in my head. It's like a movie I've watched a million times and have the script memorized. But it's foreign to me now. Like deja vu. I know it happened, but its like when?   I've worn these scars before. Several times.  15 years ago. 12 years ago. 10 years ago. And today. I guess I like to make myself suffer, seems fitting considering my history.  I let her down. I let you down. I let them down. They say that scars tell a story. The only thing mine say is that I'm a coward.  Every night, I pray. Prayed for you. Prayed for family. Prayed for your happiness and our marriage. Now I only pray for my own death. Pray that semi doesn't see me and gets in my lane too quickly and takes me out. Pray that I take this curb too fast and just fly off the edge. Pray that something ends this pain. Hard to pray for anything else when you've covered yourself in marks of the devil. "Time" they'll say. That's what they ...

She knows strength because you've made her weak. She wants so much more and she's willing to do anything to get it. But she also knows so much pain. And she can't move on. Every move, every moment, every day, every interaction. It's staring her in the face and the pain is lingering in her heart. She tries to fix it any and every way she can. And she can forgive all she wants to but more than anything she wants to forget. But how. She tries so hard everyday to make it better. She knows her many faults and she admits them and she understands. Moving on isn't easy. Forgetting is impossible. It's time to reset. We deserve so much more. For ourselves and for each other. We need to remember that it's not impossible to lose each other. To truly care and fight for each other. Not with each other. We're carrying such a dark feeling around everyday because we thought we were untouchable. We don't love each other anymore. We just stay because we don't know ...

This is just plain ridiculous. And absolutely crazy. So I'm sitting on the couch, trying to enjoy an awesome chick flick on Netflix, and I keep getting distracted. Something so simple and probably not distracting by any Means, and yet he draws me in.    Part of me hates to be able to put my emotions into words. Being a writer is a blessing, yes very much so. But it is also very much a curse. See, the thing is, when you're a writer, every sense that you experience is a story. Every emotion you have becomes a story. Nothing is simple.  As a writer, I see things differently. A flower can't simply be pretty. It has to be this magical thing that God put right in front of me just to brighten my day. Everything is easily translated into a beautiful story in my mind. All but one thing. Love. I've never been able to explain it or dissect it and put it into a story. The tragic thing about being a writer, you think in more detail then most. I feel so alone. I feel like...

Daddy's little girl died today. Mommy was packing everything in trash bags and told me and my baby brothers we were moving into grandma Lola's. I don't know why daddy doesn't love mommy anymore. All I know is were moving. And daddy's little girl is dead. I was 6 when daddy's little girl died. I remember he made Chris sit outside and wait for mom when he was maybe 2. He soiled his diaper and daddy didn't wanna change it. I don't know why he helped create 3 babies and cared more about booze and cigarettes then his own flesh. Shortly after that mom left him. I remember seeing him occasionally but it wasn't the same. Daddy was irreplaceable and no one would ever change that. I didn't care if they weren't together. The 6 year old onside of me always knew they would be back together. Up until I was 11, I never lost hope. Being with grandma made things easier. Mommy was getting ready for something but I didn't know what. While watching mommy, ...

During my downtime, my daydreams are filled with images of you. During the night my dreams are filled with images of you. Though the timing is different, the images are all the same. You're really there, and I can feel the texture of your skin while I'm in your arms. Then I wake and snap back to reality and realize the horrible nightmare that I am faced with. You arent here, and you're never coming back.   In general, I have the perfect life. I have an amazing husband who treats my girls as though they are his and nothing has ever been different. I have an amazing job and wake up looking forward to going to everyday. I have family and friends that are there no matter what and help me anyway they can when they can. However, daily, I find a hole in my heart where you used to be. Its been the longest time that I have seen you and heard your voice that I wouldn’t know what you would look like if it weren't for the photos. Just when I think I have forgotten about the pain,...

I can't even begin to sleep right now. I haven't even published anything in like a year. I find myself attempting to begin a blog and then life's little imperfections seem to interrupt me every time. Seems like when life is going where I want it to go that I forget the little things. And yet when nothing is going as planned I find myself pouring my heart out to strangers. All I can continue to do is pray and keep faith and trust God. I've found myself taking the little things for granted and then when they're no longer there I look for anyone to blame but myself. Even if all the reasons for goodbye point back to me. Things used to be like that, things used to be done like this; and we blame time for change. it was up until now that I blamed time, when all along it was me. The things that used to happen  everyday 2 years ago now only come on special occasions. If that. And in my mind it was because instead of things being new they are known. You're no  longer t...

                  Well I never even know where to begin these darn things.I usually try to do a recap of everything that happened in the past year, but so much has happened in the last year that I don't even know where to begin that. The year sure did throw some challenges my way that I never thought that i was going to make it through but somehow I did. One thing did and always will remain the same: my girls remain the light in my life that never grows dim and a love that will never fade. If it weren't for my babies, I'd never make it through the day.   I've lost plenty of people in my life this year with good reason. One being that the whole situation wasn't right to begin with the other being that what people were doing were not for a good cause and they simply had to go. It has not left me without the pain of loss as much as I wish the  pain would have left with the people. Days I find myself wondering why I let mysel...

Day one. I cry I'm lost, hopeless, and hands tied. I can't sleep alone. The panic attacks,  the terrors. Day two. Something is wrong but what. I investigate.  The phone shows me the answer. The evidence is a dagger that stabs  my heart and twists. questioning confirms how often and how long its been and anger hits. Day three. I search. I sit in the closet in tears hiding from the little girl that calls you her second daddy. I don't want her to see the pain you've caused. Day four. I piece the puzzle slowly together and hurt more. I wish it was cheating instead. Day five. I regroup. Picking up the pieces of everything I've built that you have now torn down. Reminding myself how I was raised. Day six. Deliver apologies to the ones that were fully to blame when in reality it was you. Day seven. I'm getting stronger now. Hearing my mother's words echo in my head. I can and will do this alone. Day eight. I think. I hurt. I decide. And I pack. I can't Do it. T...

       Before you even begin to read this, if you are against GLBT in anyway shape or form, then please close this and go back to Facebook because your negativity will not be tolerated.      Now that that is out of the way, as you all of you know, I am currently in a relationship with a boy. Engaged to him at that, and I love him more then anything. But since I first understood the meaning of it, and seeing the controversy over it, I have never understood why gay people cannot get married. Why can't they be happy too? How does it affect your daily life? Yes I like boys, and I like girls. No I am not selfish, No I am not confused and no this is not a phase. When I was 6 I had a crush on my best friend but I also had a crush on a boy. And yes I am a Christian. They take the pledge of allegiance out of schools because we are "one nation under God" yet gay people are...

I don't even know where to begin to start on this blog. We're a mere 30 minutes into the day and my mind is already numb and blank. The only way I'll find myself in a peaceful slumber tonight is with the assistance of a sleep aide. I know that as soon as my head hits the pillow and my eyes close, the darkness will start and May 19th 2005 at 3:06 am will play over in my head in the form of a horrible nightmare. So, without rhyme or reason or evening a starting point, I begin the story of my grief that has no ending.     I'm not sure if its the fact that I've been busy or concerned with other things in my life, or the fact that maybe I'm actually happy, but today hasn't much consumed my mind like it usually does this time of year. The only time I notice is when I look at a calendar. The unexplained outbursts of anger are still there, but less then often. But as soon as the clock struck midnight, I found myself quiet and stone faced. I look down at the clock an...

Been a minute since we all have seen one of these huh? Throwing it back to the MySpace days! Got bored on this lovely Sunday and decided to post this! Enjoy! What would you be happy doing for hours on end? Shopping. Definitely shopping. What is one thing you always disagree on as a couple? Gosh that's a tough one. Probably where to go for dinner. What is one thing you always agree on? Cookies. Chocolate chip cookies lol What is your favorite olympic event? Gymnastics by far. If you had the money to buy your significant other any one thing right now what would you buy them? This is a trick question because there are lots of things that I want to buy him but he might not want. But above all a mustang. Would you rather be blind or deaf? Deaf. They have devices to heal the deaf and I couldn't bear not seeing my beautiful babies faces. What is one thing you admire about your mother (or mother figure)? Her mothering skills. I wish her life were a movie so I could...

Never had I thought, That you'd come back to me. Never did I think, What an amazing journey it would be. After ten years of waiting, I found you back in my life. And like you never left, I can't wait to become your wife. You truly are The sweetest man alive. Our bond is something unbreakable, Guaranteed to thrive. With everything in me, I want only you forever. With every step into my future, I want you on every endeavor. Words will never express, The love I feel for you. Every time I kiss your lips, I find a feeling I never knew. Every morning I wake, And find you by my side, Is just another day, That I'm the happiest girl alive. No amount of time with you, Will ever be enough. No amount of words, Can ever express my love. I love you more than you can understand. I'll spend forever showing you. You are my heart and soul, And to you I'll always stay true.

I looked at your pictures yesterday. It was so hard to fight and hide the tears that were piecing my chest. As sad as it may be, sometimes I forget what you look like even though your face stares at me everyday in the form of a 6 year old little girl. I don't know what you are whispering in God's ear up there but thank you for helping him create a perfect little angel just for me that is a mirror image of you. Your oldest granddaughter is starting to grow up and look more and more like you everyday. There are times where it's hard to handle but then there are others that is completely blissful. It's very bitter sweet. Ryan says that you fell into the fountain of youth and came out as her. If I didn't know that you were in a better place I would believe it. The anniversary of the day that you went home is approaching quicker then I thought. Mother's Day too. Someone told me the other day to be happy for the ones that still have their moms on Mother's Day bu...