I love my life because it gave me you. I love you because you are my life.

I can't even begin to sleep right now. I haven't even published anything in like a year. I find myself attempting to begin a blog and then life's little imperfections seem to interrupt me every time. Seems like when life is going where I want it to go that I forget the little things. And yet when nothing is going as planned I find myself pouring my heart out to strangers. All I can continue to do is pray and keep faith and trust God.

I've found myself taking the little things for granted and then when they're no longer there I look for anyone to blame but myself. Even if all the reasons for goodbye point back to me. Things used to be like that, things used to be done like this; and we blame time for change. it was up until now that I blamed time, when all along it was me. The things that used to happen  everyday 2 years ago now only come on special occasions. If that. And in my mind it was because instead of things being new they are known. You're no  longer trying to win the race because you've already won. But in reality, every fight and every come back has chiseled away at the masterpiece that I had won. Everything was perfect in the beginning and then Every mistake and misguided hand at making my masterpiece everything that I wanted it to be, has rendered it unrecognizable. So here it goes.  A glimpse into my soul. A gaze  through my eyes that I wish you could see just one time. Even though it feels like I see right through you.

    Never in my life could I ever imagine someone making the impact on me like you did.  I look back at least once a day and try to figure out and pinpoint exactly what you did or said that made you my everything .  But it's never been something you said or did. Its always just been you. 12 years ago I had a blank slate. And then God showed me you. My masterpiece. I never wanted to live a day without you, and I couldn't. Life rearranged itself and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of you or try to figure out what to do to get you back. I tried to stay busy and distracted and try to forget you but that was no where in God's plans.

5 years later, just when I thought all hope was lost, just a glimpse of you brought everything back. And it was like no time had past at all. I never thought you could fall in love with someone all over again, that you never stopped loving to begin with. And yet again, life's imperfections stepped in the way. This time I really gave up. I swore I wouldn't let the pain of losing you disrupt my life ever again. I was so determined to not get hurt again, that I completely became someone else. I built this wall that I swore no one would ever get past. And they didn't. Until 2 years ago.

Another 5 years later, an unexpected message arrives. Before I would take Every step to avoid it, but something told me this time it was real. I give in. I set goals and standards and time frames, and stuck with them for the most part. But then you flash that amazing smile and one look into your eyes and it's over. I knew within the first few moments of seeing you again, no matter what, this was it, and I was never going to let go and I was never going to give up, and here I am two years later, laying next to you with your last name.

But you already know this story. What you don't know and what I don't show because I don't want to be girly or vulnerable or lame, is what really goes on in my head. When I tell you "I love you", I'm not looking for reassurance that you love Me or even a response for that matter. I tell you this hoping that maybe if I say it enough, it will give you a glimpse Into my heart so you can see that that phrase isn't enough to explain what you mean to mean and how much of my heart, mind and soul is nothing but you. When I'm staring at you for no reason at all, it's because I never thought in a million years that I would be lucky enough to get to call you mine for the rest of my life. When I can't sleep at night, it's not because I'm not tired, it's because I'my lying awake thanking God for answering my prayers that I prayed everyday to bring you back to me no matter what it took and no matter what I had to do. When I tell you how gorgeous you are, I don't see the little imperfections that you see in yourself. I see the most beautiful soul that I have ever seen. You're not only a stepfather to my daughters, you're not only my husband and you're not only my best friend; you're my world and everything beyond. You're one of the reasons I look forward to getting up in the morning because I know the first thing I will get to see is you. You once we're the reason for my depression because I didn't have you,  and now you're one of my reasons to fight for a better tomorrow.

None of these words will ever be enough to explain how much you really mean to me. And I can only pray that in a lifetime with you, you see for yourself all the ways that you're everything to me. I'm not perfect, I never claim to be or try to be. I've made so many mistakes with you that would have made anyone else long gone by now. I'm not writing this to promise change, because I know I'm not done making mistakes. I can only hope to learn from the ones that I have already made and not make them again. No matter what happened then, no matter what happens now, and no matter what happens later, you always have been, and you always will be, absolutely everything to me. Nothing and no one will ever break the bond that is you and I.

I loved you then, I love you still, always have and always will. Thank you for being my little piece of perfection. Thank you for still being my masterpiece, even after all the chips and dents I've put in you.