The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said.
I'm not sure if its the fact that I've been busy or concerned with other things in my life, or the fact that maybe I'm actually happy, but today hasn't much consumed my mind like it usually does this time of year. The only time I notice is when I look at a calendar. The unexplained outbursts of anger are still there, but less then often. But as soon as the clock struck midnight, I found myself quiet and stone faced. I look down at the clock and see why. The rain has started to fall and the song I chose to be played at your funeral plays in my head and rings in my ears. My throat begins to pain me as I fight the tears determined not to cry for the first time in 8 years on this day. Here's hoping I can do it. Only as the day goes on will I know.
I no longer pick up the phone in hopes that your number will work and I'll hear your voice on the line. I do still however hope and haunt my own nightmares with the possibility that it was all a joke and I'll see you alive and well on the street somewhere. Then there are the nightmares that you're alive and a vegetable or alive and hate me completely. There are never any "I'm still here and watching over you" dreams that being me peace. There are many things I'd like to do today. I want to sleep until its over, I want to go to your grave and cry until its over even though you're not there. I want to keep busy making bows and keep my mind off of it all day. I want to curl up in Ryan's arms and cry until the pain stops. Most of all, all I want to do on this day is forget it.
No one understands, nor can explain why I can't seem to just remember the good times and forget that you're gone. Maybe it's because I'm no longer making good memories with you. Everyday my girls grow up and want to start shaving their legs or having kindergarten crushes and going on field trips I wish you were here to call. I get advice from people, sure, but yours always was the best. Without it I'm lost in the daily battle of "what would mom do or think about this?" It's not in the forefront of my mind like it was in the beginning, but its still there. Mothers day wasn't as hard this year as it usually is but it was still terrible. I hate it. Every idea of it even though I'm a mommy. I wish I could enjoy it, but there seems to be no point when there's no mom to celebrate with. My soul and heart is in a constant search to find someone to fill your void, and it seems to die a little more at the failure to do so.
It still sends a stab in my heart when someone talks to their mom. Even when they talk about their mom. Ryan helps so much by reminding me of the good times. I really have no idea what I would do without him. It really is a blessing having someone around that reminds me of the precious moments that we have shared together. I try to remember where I was and what I was doing this time last year but the pain blurs the memory. I keep the photos that show your happiness the most as my wallpaper to try to remind me to remember the good time. Listen to the happy stories my friends share of you. I try anything to just get through this day. Even if it means becoming numb to the world and simply shutting down today, I'm doing it just to get through. And praying for you to come to my dreams tonight, one last time, for just one more happy memory.
I love you mom and miss you dearly everyday but most of all today. Rest in eternal peace and we will see you again some day.
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