Right now, I'd die to not remember....
I keep replaying things over and over in my head. It's like a movie I've watched a million times and have the script memorized. But it's foreign to me now. Like deja vu. I know it happened, but its like when? I've worn these scars before. Several times. 15 years ago. 12 years ago. 10 years ago. And today. I guess I like to make myself suffer, seems fitting considering my history. I let her down. I let you down. I let them down. They say that scars tell a story. The only thing mine say is that I'm a coward.
Every night, I pray. Prayed for you. Prayed for family. Prayed for your happiness and our marriage. Now I only pray for my own death. Pray that semi doesn't see me and gets in my lane too quickly and takes me out. Pray that I take this curb too fast and just fly off the edge. Pray that something ends this pain. Hard to pray for anything else when you've covered yourself in marks of the devil. "Time" they'll say. That's what they all say. But those who know me know that "Time" and I go way back. And in every moment, Time has let me down. Time heals nothing, you just become better at hiding your scars.
"You're stronger than that, you're better than that!" No, I'm really not. I used to be strong. I used to make sure that I found the light in the dark, and then she died. I didn't have time to be weak. I had to grow up. I've spent my entire life having to be strong for everyone else, and never found out how to be strong for myself. I can be the strongest person in the world for you. But the last of my strength burnt out when I seen that photo. This road is not new to me. We've been down this road so many times before. But this time it's different. This road is gravel. Not the smooth asphalt I'm used to. The road that once led to a million possibilities, is now a dead end. All the times before, I seen past the road blocks. Now I can't see past the broken limbs covering the road.
So much of me deserves this pain that I feel stupid for even getting hurt by it. I'm not perfect and I have made so many mistakes. But this, knowing what you know. This tops anything I've ever done. I had respect enough for you to try, with everything, before going this far. I respected my vows. I probably spent more time than I would like to admit leading the horse to water only to watch him die of thirst, then revive him, lead him to the water again, just for him to drown. And yet here I am, drowning. Begging for you to rescue me, but you don't hear me. In your eyes, I've already died of thirst. I've already drown. And you've already moved on before I even breathe my last breath. And the worst part of all this, even when I'm fighting for my life, even if you let me die, I'll be here. Waiting for you to throw the life ring and pull me into you. Unfortunately you are the water that is required for my body to thrive.
Its been 5 days. I have already forgotten what it feels like to breath normal. To not feel your heartbreak with every inhale. I have forgotten what its like to be able to have a calm moment alone because if I stop I have a moment to remember. I've forgotten what its like to hear one of my favorite songs on the radio and not burst into tears in the middle of traffic. I've forgotten what its like to sleep at night without the nightmares that something tragic has happened to you. Because in hindsight, that would be a reasonable excuse for me to feel the way I feel. An atomic bomb has gone off inside of me. I watched the last shattered piece of my heart leave my body. I watched the light within my soul finally burn out. I watched who I thought I was be destroyed by your final act. I am an empty shell.
I don't need you. And please don't flatter yourself. You're not perfect. You have potential, but you choose to ignore it. I've had better than you. Something I deserve. Someone who treats me like a true queen. But it's not you. And we both know, it's always been you. And the piece of my heart that allows me to be happy, the part that gives me a happy ending, was given to you 15 years ago. And you destroyed it. So no, its not you that I can't live without. Its my happiness. And with or without you, I will never again have that happiness. Because you've finally shown me that even if someone gives you the world, you'd destroy it for the moon.
Every night, I pray. Prayed for you. Prayed for family. Prayed for your happiness and our marriage. Now I only pray for my own death. Pray that semi doesn't see me and gets in my lane too quickly and takes me out. Pray that I take this curb too fast and just fly off the edge. Pray that something ends this pain. Hard to pray for anything else when you've covered yourself in marks of the devil. "Time" they'll say. That's what they all say. But those who know me know that "Time" and I go way back. And in every moment, Time has let me down. Time heals nothing, you just become better at hiding your scars.
"You're stronger than that, you're better than that!" No, I'm really not. I used to be strong. I used to make sure that I found the light in the dark, and then she died. I didn't have time to be weak. I had to grow up. I've spent my entire life having to be strong for everyone else, and never found out how to be strong for myself. I can be the strongest person in the world for you. But the last of my strength burnt out when I seen that photo. This road is not new to me. We've been down this road so many times before. But this time it's different. This road is gravel. Not the smooth asphalt I'm used to. The road that once led to a million possibilities, is now a dead end. All the times before, I seen past the road blocks. Now I can't see past the broken limbs covering the road.
So much of me deserves this pain that I feel stupid for even getting hurt by it. I'm not perfect and I have made so many mistakes. But this, knowing what you know. This tops anything I've ever done. I had respect enough for you to try, with everything, before going this far. I respected my vows. I probably spent more time than I would like to admit leading the horse to water only to watch him die of thirst, then revive him, lead him to the water again, just for him to drown. And yet here I am, drowning. Begging for you to rescue me, but you don't hear me. In your eyes, I've already died of thirst. I've already drown. And you've already moved on before I even breathe my last breath. And the worst part of all this, even when I'm fighting for my life, even if you let me die, I'll be here. Waiting for you to throw the life ring and pull me into you. Unfortunately you are the water that is required for my body to thrive.
Its been 5 days. I have already forgotten what it feels like to breath normal. To not feel your heartbreak with every inhale. I have forgotten what its like to be able to have a calm moment alone because if I stop I have a moment to remember. I've forgotten what its like to hear one of my favorite songs on the radio and not burst into tears in the middle of traffic. I've forgotten what its like to sleep at night without the nightmares that something tragic has happened to you. Because in hindsight, that would be a reasonable excuse for me to feel the way I feel. An atomic bomb has gone off inside of me. I watched the last shattered piece of my heart leave my body. I watched the light within my soul finally burn out. I watched who I thought I was be destroyed by your final act. I am an empty shell.
I don't need you. And please don't flatter yourself. You're not perfect. You have potential, but you choose to ignore it. I've had better than you. Something I deserve. Someone who treats me like a true queen. But it's not you. And we both know, it's always been you. And the piece of my heart that allows me to be happy, the part that gives me a happy ending, was given to you 15 years ago. And you destroyed it. So no, its not you that I can't live without. Its my happiness. And with or without you, I will never again have that happiness. Because you've finally shown me that even if someone gives you the world, you'd destroy it for the moon.
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