It's not the goodbyes that hurt, it's the flashbacks that follow.

During my downtime, my daydreams are filled with images of you. During the night my dreams are filled with images of you. Though the timing is different, the images are all the same. You're really there, and I can feel the texture of your skin while I'm in your arms. Then I wake and snap back to reality and realize the horrible nightmare that I am faced with. You arent here, and you're never coming back.

 

In general, I have the perfect life. I have an amazing husband who treats my girls as though they are his and nothing has ever been different. I have an amazing job and wake up looking forward to going to everyday. I have family and friends that are there no matter what and help me anyway they can when they can. However, daily, I find a hole in my heart where you used to be. Its been the longest time that I have seen you and heard your voice that I wouldn’t know what you would look like if it weren't for the photos. Just when I think I have forgotten about the pain, I awake in tears caused by the dreams that you visit me in. I try to tell myself to get over it, and that it shouldn't hurt this bad after this long but it still does. I find myself wondering if I can ever let myself be fully happy without you in my life. There are days I find myself saying that its impossible, and then days like today, I find myself wishing I could scream and tell you how much I miss you. But you won't hear me, you'll never hear me.

 

I have lost many people in my life. Yes, I miss them, but with you its different. I'm haunted with the what if's more then I would like to be. No matter what was going on or what I would tell you, you were there to support me and not pass judgement. I tell myself that it was your job to do that and that it was the norm. But without that, I'm lost. I keep to myself and try not to tell others the pain that I face everyday. I try not to dwell on it so I'm not "feeding the monster". There are times that I think of the times we shared together without the distraction of reality and rejoice that I had you in my life. Then there are the times that I think of it and remember that you are gone and I get angry. But today, for the first time in months, I am faced with sadness. I havent cried like this for you in 6 months, and I don’t know how to react to it. My heart is in so much pain today, because I think that I have finally faced to the reality, that I will never see you again, and that you are never coming back. I wish that I could go back in time and rearrange the events of history so that I would never have to worry about losing you. But with that, I know there comes consiquence.

 

They force these magical pills down my throat claiming it will make it all better. But they don't know the heartache that I face. They don't know what its like to wake from these dreams everyday and feel your heartbreak into a million pieces again. I promised that I would be strong and I have genuinely tried. I am still trying but I'd give anything for a magical cure to make it all go away. I'd give anything to erase the memories from my mind so I don’t have to experience the pain on a daily basis. But I don’t want to forget you. I love you and always will. I just wish there was some way for you to come back. But I know its impossible. I know one day, very far away, that I will be with you again, and will forget all the pain that I had to face in your absence.

 

I'm beginning to find solice in my guardian angels that I have found on earth. To my husband: thank you for standing by my side through every up and down that I face on a daily basis. Thank you for being a father to my children and most of all my best friend. No words will ever be enough to describe the love that I feel for you and the greatfulness that I have for you. To my aunt Stephanie: Thank you for sharing your memories with me and being there for me no matter what. I am so greatful that I have you in my life and love me without a doubt. You have reminded me of what it feels like to have a mom again and I no longer feel so alone anymore. For all that you have done, and all that you will do, I love you endlessly.