Dear Mom,

I looked at your pictures yesterday. It was so hard to fight and hide the tears that were piecing my chest. As sad as it may be, sometimes I forget what you look like even though your face stares at me everyday in the form of a 6 year old little girl. I don't know what you are whispering in God's ear up there but thank you for helping him create a perfect little angel just for me that is a mirror image of you. Your oldest granddaughter is starting to grow up and look more and more like you everyday. There are times where it's hard to handle but then there are others that is completely blissful. It's very bitter sweet. Ryan says that you fell into the fountain of youth and came out as her. If I didn't know that you were in a better place I would believe it.

The anniversary of the day that you went home is approaching quicker then I thought. Mother's Day too. Someone told me the other day to be happy for the ones that still have their moms on Mother's Day but its so hard. All I ever think is why did it happen to me why did I have to go through that? I don't want anyone to have to ever go through this in a million years. Ryan has made things easier in the matter. I've barely given any thought to it at all until yesterday. Im so thankful that I have him by my side to help me through this tough time. I just wish he could understand sometimes how hard it is. No one understands how hard it is mom. And I don't even know how to begin to ever show them. I just get in this weird funk and lock myself in a room so they don't have to deal with it. They say it gets easier with time but it doesn't. I just think about it less. But when I do remember it kills me all over again. Why can't you be here with me? Why do you have to be gone? Why can't you be here to see your grand babies grow up? Why do I have to explain to Whitlee who is understanding more and more about where you are why your gone? Why can't you see the precious princess Pay Pay grow up? Why do I have to constantly have to hide the pain I fight everyday? Why did you have to go... I try so hard not to question god and the decisions that he makes but then I start going through the memories that we share and the questions still haunt me.

With each passing day I grow stronger yet weaker at the same time. It seems just when I think that I'm stronger something throws me back and I'm back at square one. They say with time it gets easier but it doesn't. I just think about it less. I miss you like crazy and love you more then anything. It's getting better down here and I am happier then I ever have been in my life thanks to Ryan. He truly is my better half and I'm confident that this is it for me and this is the man I will marry. And don't worry, I will remember to save that seat in the front row for you. I love you and please watch over my family and everyone who cared about you. We all miss you more then words express

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