Because love shouldn't hurt

           I don't even know where to begin. I want to tell you everything but I don't know where to start. Guess I should start by telling you that nothing is what it seems. It hasn't been for a long time now. I just didn't know how to tell you. If you have someone in your life that suddenly stops reaching out first, cancels on plans, or is just all around not themselves, I urge you to reach out. Sometimes someone is dying to tell you but they don't want to admit to themselves because they're ashamed or in denial about what they're going through So here we go. 

    I am a domestic violence survivor.

     I hate saying that. I hate typing it. Hell I hate to think of myself as a survivor. 
The definition of survivor is "a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died." It takes me a while to wrap my head around this. I lost a very dear friend of mine to domestic violence. And while I was trying to find the strength myself to escape, I was giving her the advice on how to. And she never made it. When I watched that news cast, I fell to my knees. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was on my way out the door to take kids to school and her face came on the screen. Right away I knew what happened. We had literally just texted the week before and she was telling me how bad she wanted to leave but she was too scared and that it would get better and how it wasn't bad all the time. A part of me died when she did. I still carry a guilt with me. I should've done more. I should of talked to her everyday, I should've went and got her instead of offering her a place to live. I should've saved her. 


I don't feel like I survived anything. I have nightmares from which I can't wake. I have flashbacks that send me into panic mode. I'm constantly reminded to ground myself to take myself away from the moments that haunt my everyday life. I didn't survive. I still suffer every single day and fight every moment that I wake just to be able to function like a normal human. In the moments of impact, it never crossed my mind that this could kill me. I would tell myself it'll get better. He doesn't do it all the time, just once a month, once a week, once a day, not that often. Things won't always be like this. This is temporary. Until it wasn't. I always told myself this is my fault. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have asked for your time, your attention. I shouldn't have gone to work. I shouldn't have gone to get dog food. I should've answered the phone on the first ring. I shouldn't ask him to get a job, to help, to be a decent human being.

 I prayed everyday for the strength to leave. I can honestly say there is no pain like watching who you are die. It's honestly like being stuck in the house on a rainy day watching someone across the street play in the sunshine. I lost my friends. I was isolated from my family. Shamed for the passion and love I have for my field of work. I had to stay home when I wanted to get out because I ran out of excuses for new bruises, black eyes, torn muscles, and a broken chin. And still I couldn't find the strength to leave. I always said he does this because he loves me and he just wants to make sure my love is strong enough to endure whatever he throws at me, even if it is his fist. When in reality he was doing it so I was always afraid to leave him. 

So please, be patient. She will lie. She will make excuses. Never give up, Keep your hand out. Support her and give her strength. She is trying.

I fought for my life on several occasions and I won. I survived.  And I will never forget that I was strong enough to leave someone I love because I loved being alive more than I ever loved him. I AM A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVOR!

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, I urge you to reach out. If you need someone to do it for you then reach out. Please don't ever give up! There is help!
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
Domestic Violence Intervention Services Tulsa - 918-7HELP-ME

                 R.I.P LAK-M! Thank you for giving me the strength to never give up. I love you and miss you with my entire heart!