One day, I'm not even sure what happened, but everything just changed.

          

       Well I never even know where to begin these darn things.I usually try to do a recap of everything that happened in the past year, but so much has happened in the last year that I don't even know where to begin that. The year sure did throw some challenges my way that I never thought that i was going to make it through but somehow I did. One thing did and always will remain the same: my girls remain the light in my life that never grows dim and a love that will never fade. If it weren't for my babies, I'd never make it through the day.

  I've lost plenty of people in my life this year with good reason. One being that the whole situation wasn't right to begin with the other being that what people were doing were not for a good cause and they simply had to go. It has not left me without the pain of loss as much as I wish the  pain would have left with the people. Days I find myself wondering why I let myself get into the situations and the circumstances that I did and other days I find myself wondering why i didn't try harder. I miss the old friendships that I had and wish that things didn't have to change but you don't take advantage of someones feelings and heart without consequences. Maybe one day things can be the same again, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. In the meantime, when and if it does go back to the way it was or better, I wish the people that had to disappear from my life nothing but happiness and joy in life and light in the darkness.

 I have begun to find myself struggling with the devastation yet again. My mind fights with itself telling me to let go but I can never seem to block of the "what if they were still here" thoughts. When the lights are dark and the room is quiet I lose myself in the madness. I've found myself praying every night that the memories and the past be erased from my mind so the pain will subside. I never lose faith but wish that I didn't get to meet such amazing people just to have them ripped from my grasp. I sit here with the ear buds in praying that the songs we used to sing together will somehow reveal some hidden lyrics that tell me what to do. I cant let go and I cant forget and try to convince myself that I'll never see you again but in my heart I know I will. I don't know when and I don't know how. But I  know whatever happens will be Gods plan, and, even though its killing me right now, I may very well have to wait for eternity. I thought I was stronger, I thought I could handle it. I cant. You win. For my sanity and my happiness I have to let go. Every time I try, the memories play over and over in my head. I cant let go of something that I cannot go one day without thinking about. Someone, somewhere,  please, somehow make it go away. This is insanity.