Lyn-Z's Ashes

Never again will I experience, A love like I shared with you. I wish I would have told you sooner, I just thought you always knew. Looking back now I see, All the things I didn't do right. I wish it didn't take losing you, To finally see the light. The love we had was real; Something ill never forget. No matter how bad it hurts, It's something I'll never regret. If only I had a time machine, I'd simply go back in time. Change things that happened, So I could forever make you mine. I've tried so hard to move on, Let you be happy in life. But I just can't let you go, No matter how hard I try. I love you to this day, Just like I did back then. I promise you ill move on, I just can't promise you when. I can't help but look in your eyes, And love you more and more. You played a big part in my life, And will always be someone I adore. I'll never be able to thank you enough, For the way you made me feel. You gave me a lov

Ok so I started writing this on my mom's birthday but couldn't bring myself to finish it so finally here it is!!! Happy Birthday Mommy Today is your 43rd birthday. I thought it'd be easier by now. But I think of your pretty face, And in my tears I drown. I'm trying to fight through the pain, The heartache and the fears. Remembering the good times you had, In your brief 36 years. Every time I'd ask "Mom, what do I get you this year?" "Write me a poem." You'd say, And you always held it dear. I always think of what it'd be like If you were with us today. But rather then a celebration, This day only brings dismay. You meant the world to me. I never told you enough. I miss you more then anything. Even more when times get tough. There are so many things I want to say. So many things I wanted you to know. I simply wish I would have told you Before it was your time to go. I'm trying to smile, I'm trying to

     There are times in your life when you learn to give up on your own happiness for the sake of someone else's. Its called being selfless. I've come to the realization today that I have done this for more then one person. I'm still struggling trying to let go for reasons that I cannot explain. Its like God likes to play this game where he sends me people to love with every fiber of my being, just to take them away from me. You'd think that I would have learned my lesson by now and just shut down but I haven't. Some times I wish I was incapable of love and emotionless so I wouldn't keep getting hurt. The fact of the  matter is that love consumes my life on so many levels. Erasing it is impossible.   I'm still debating as to whether or not I want to post this blog. The truth is the past few months have lead me to a dark place. Probably the darkest I have ever been in my life. And before you even read this, don't feel sorry for me and don't tell m

          OK I need to work on this manuscript but I cant because I'm scared. I need my best friend to tell me to shut up and do it. Well he's gone so imma have to do this one alone. I don't wanna do this gah. I don't think I'm ready...         I'm talking about the poem book. My poem book. My most intimate feelings and secrets. My book. Get it published is all I ever hear. Finally after being told one last time to do it, I find a publisher. When submitting my manuscript, I freeze. I'm still fighting with myself on whether to do it or not and all I hear is BFDP voice in my freaking head screaming shut up and do it. Then I scream back that he isn't my friend anymore then I punch him in the face because we aren't friends anymore and it still hurts. I wish it didn't and I wish it was easy but its not and I'm trying My hardest. gah. The thought of the whole thing sent me into a panic attack....I HAVE TO DO THIS!!! He has helped me a lot and

I PROMISE TO ALWAYS BE HONEST NO MATTER WHAT THE LIE I PROMISE TO STAY BY YOUR SIDE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS SUPPORT YOU NO MATTER THE PATH YOU CHOOSE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS CHEER YOU ON NO MATTER IF YOU WIN OR LOSE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY WHEN YOURE FEELING SAD I PROMISE TO TRY MY HARDEST TO NEVER MAKE YOU MAD I PROMISE TO ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU WHENEVER YOU GET ILL I PROMISE TO ALWAYS HELP YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOUR WILL I PROMISE TO ALWAYS TRY NO MATTER WHAT THE TASK I PROMISE TO ALWAYS CONSIDER ANYTHING YOU ASK I PROMISE TO ALWAYS BE FAITHFUL NO MATTER WHAT TEMPTATION BRINGS I PROMISE TO ALWAYS TREAT YOU RIGHT YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A KING I PROMISE TO STAY WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IM COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TILL I GET TO BE YOUR WIFE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS LOVE YOU WITH EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART I PROMISE I ALWAS WILL EVEN WHEN OUR SOULS DEPART

After so much hurt and pain, I locked myself away. My heart was beaten too badly, My soul had turned to gray. I vowed to never love, The way I’ve always desired. The loss of love in the past, Had my heart beat and tired. So I buried Lindsay in a closet, She still believed in forever. Portrayed myself as Lynzee, All she knew was never. With every new relationship, Lindsay became forgotten. Lynzee ignored that she existed, After being hurt all too often. He came out of no where, And found the closet door. Discovered the real Lindsay, And reminded her of her dreams before. He became Lindsay’s guide, Encouraging her she’d succeed. If only she’d find true love, That would be all she’d ever need. So here’s to taking chances, Here’s to finding the one. I couldn’t have done it without you, Thank you for all you’ve done.

So as my last blog said I thought I was going to lose someone very Very close to me and I did. The past few days have been close to the worst. I've had to act like everything is fine but it's not. I lost my best friend. For good this time. It is the worst pain in the entire world worse then losing someone to death. I see you I feel you I hear you but I can't touch you I can't talk to you I can't even look at you. When I do it stabs me in the heart. I wish I could take it back I wish I could change it and I wish I would've kept my word. My heart knew on this day that it was done I could feel it. But I didn't wanna believe it. Since losing you my panic attacks are back and I feel like a zombie. But I've listened to you so well and have applied it. I've shown someone Lindsay and she still loves me. You were right. I wish I could talk to you and tell you all these things but I can't. I miss my best friend more then anything and feel like I&#

  I had this all written out and thought i saved and published it but apparently this computer is stupid. So now i have to start this crap all over again and its never as good as it is the first time gah whatever.   There are so many things that I want to say right now just to get off my chest because I'm hurting like hell and I don't know why. I know it happens every so often when your memory comes back into my mind  unexpected and uninvited for no apparent reason. I don't like being sad, I don't like having regret. I don't like remembering the bad times when there were far more good then bad. There were rarely any bad times at all really but it still hurts. They say out of sight out of mind and for the most part its true but it never helps me; it makes it worse. The most painful part is the girls ask where you are and I cant tell them you're gone but I cant tell them you're here either because I don't know you anymore. And it rips my heart in two to

Ok so some of you know and some of you do not about the events that occurred last weekend. Since word is traveling fast let me just explain to the world what went down, as embarrassing as it is. I decided randomly one day that I needed to get outta dodge and go on a vacation. Didn't know and didn't care where. Me and doll face kitty pants decided to go to OKC and didn't really have a plan where or what to do. Things unavoidable occurred and doll face kitty pants couldn't go. I was determined to go even if it was alone. After discussing it with sexy face tall pants I had a partner in crime. Plan was to go to Bricktown and get FUCKED UP!!!! Hotel was reserved right on the strip so no one had to drive and partying could be done hard. After arriving we check into the hotel and head to the outlet mall. Nothing special there. Get back to the hotel and get ready for a night I can barely remember. First stop is Tap Works. We each had a beer and a shot. Then we decide to get

   Ok so as the 57 readers that read my blog yesterday know, my last post has been deleted. Quite frankly im pissed as fuck about having to delete it because my Doll Face Kitty Pants didnt get to read it and it was a freaking good one. I started this blog to get rid of the emotions that I bottle up without having to filter it and it has turned around to bite me in the ass. Now people are getting butt hurt and I'm losing friendships over something that wasnt aimed at anyone so fuck it. I dont give a damn anymore this is for me not you, get to steppin if you feel the need to. BASBHAT. Google it if you dont know it. Live by it if you do.    As you all know my blog titles are always a quote or something of the sort pertaining to what the blog is about. in finding a title for this one I was faced with two decisions. The one I chose, and "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." I turned to my Black Face Dicky Pants and of course Doll Face Kitty Pan

OK obviously my life has been way too busy to be posting a blog on the Internet and while we are all being honest I'm a little upset about it. There is a lot of crap that has been going on and here I sit like "OMG WHAT AM I GONNA DO?" Um, hello? The one thing you know how to do...write about that ish!!! I guess I was too busy trying to work on getting my mind of of ish that I forgot that I can write. OK so since my last post there is so much stuff that has happened that I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to start by giving a shout out to the two very most important people that have helped me through this tough time. I honestly have no idea what I would do without them. Doll face Kitty pants I love you more then you can ever imagine and I couldn't ask for a better friend then you. Ups and downs and all arounds you are there no matter what and I cant live this life without you in it. I love you dearest. Black Face Dicky Pants- I'm still cracking u

First off I'm sorry i didn't post when I said I was going to. It got late and I got tired and fell asleep.I am not homeless just have been super busy. Things have changed just so much to fit in one blog and I think that at this point I'm just going to keep things to my self. I have no idea whats going on in my life right now to be quit frank and until I can figure it out for myself I simply cant share. There is a lot of loss and a lot of anxiety and a lot of stress going on and I'm not sure how to handle it or what to do to make it all better and no matter what I try or offer nothing is good enough. I need to know something but get told nothing and it always turns into a fight so I'm just going to look out for myself since i can't count on anyone else.       In other news, as most of you know mothers day and May 19th are a terrible time for me. Shockingly mothers day was a ton harder then the 19th. I worked both days and my mind was mostly busy. God taught me

             Hello all my lovely readers! First off let me start by thanking all of you! When I started this blog I didn't expect anyone to read. At first my readers were slow coming but since posting my blog on my Facebook and Twitter I have gone from 5 views to 129!!!! AH-MAY-ZING! As promised, after 75 views I was going to attempt to write a poem. Well my dears we are at 129! This means that you are getting the poem you want, but I do need suggestions, advice, etc. etc. on what you want a poem about. If it weren't for my readers there wouldn't be one at all. You can send your suggestions via Facebook (wall post, message, tag, whatever) Twitter, or comment on here. if you wish to remain anonymous you are more then welcome to do so. I am open to any and all suggestions so suggest away!!!   Enough of all that jazz. Today was an all and all epic day...then I got home. Mondays are always swamped at work and having it be the last day of the month on top of being a Monday, BO

So as a continuation from my last blog obviously my mom didn't wake up. There are days I wish she had because life would be so much easier if she were here then there are days I wish she hadn't because I wouldn't be who I am had I lost her. Ok well here goes what happened next.     I couldn't tell you how long I stayed at the hospital that night, making phone calls to loved ones explaining the news but mostly hoping and praying the doctor would come running out saying she was awake. Yea, that didn't happen either. It was about 4:30 - 5 in the morning when I realized that I hadn't called my mom's best friend. Gloria would just be waking up and getting ready for her work day. I called and started bawling at the sound of her voice. I had called her from my mom's phone and told her that mom had passed away. "Lynne died?" I had forgotten that I had called from mom's cell and not mine. "No, this is Lynzee and mom died last night!!" th

Even though this is sure to be a sad blog, I wanted to start off by saying woohooo!!! I'm up to 55 views!!! Its not much but that's a big deal. I kinda feel bad now for not posting near as much as I should. Well times are getting tough so I'm going to need my blog or as I like to call it venting post a lot more now lol. Some of you that know me personally and are reading this might be expecting a poem but I'm sorry to have to let you down. I have had writers block for a few years now and trust and believe that it is driving me insane. I wish I could compose a poem and I'm sure if I really tried I could but who has time. I vow to make time in the future. Perhaps if I get 75 views. Even though it took me a minute to decide whether or not to do so I have added my blog to my Facebook page (eek!) so perhaps we will get there soon.       OK so lets get this started!! So not a lot is going on in life lately...work is going great, home life is well....home life I suppo

So I'm not really sure how I didn't just lose the one person I can't live without. I requested something very specific of this individual expecting the best. What I got was this individual's true feelings. Even though something do simple was requested of this individual the results meant the world to me. The results weren't even close to what I've suspected. Now I know my past has screwed up a lot of things for me I should have at least had the right to prove you wrong in my future. If its not time will there ever be the right time? It meant nothing it was a simple request for a simple gift that showed me your true feelings. The simple fact that you showed me you can't get me something that means nothing Showed me that I also meant nothing. If I so disposable to you then why are you still keeping me around? I don't want to be played I do not want to waste my time. I know what I want and what I want is you. Forever everyday all day and nothing else. And

                          There comes a point in every ones life that they want to throw their hands in the air and say “what do you want from me?”   I’m so beyond that point. I have done anything and everything that someone asks of me and its still not good enough. Ive changed so many things about who I am to mold myself into what you see as perfect and It still isn’t enough. I give and give day after today and you take more and more. I know who I am now but I second guess myself. Who was I before? I’ve lost myself and as shocking as that is I let this person take more of me away everyday. The truth is as crazy as it may seem I cant be without this person. Ive tried and I never want to do It again I've never been so hurt over someone before. I love them with every fiber of my being and no matter how much they change who I am as long as I'm with them nothing else in this world matters to me. I often get told that I am changing for this person and get asked why and all I can sa

   Hello all, whoever you may be!! So the reason that I started this blog was to let go of my inter most thoughts and concerns that I hold on to too tightly thinking that it would be easier to reveal my troubles and sorrows to strangers rather then people I know. It was an easy fix so it would seem. There were only two people who I knew that had known about my blog and those two I trusted dearly and knew that no judgement would be passed. As it seems, nothing in this life I lead is private which is why I have decided to just go ahead and let it out to everyone. Later on today when I get off work I will be posting this blog to facebook. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that but if people want to judge me then they can deal with the consequences. Life is about taking chances and that is what I'm doing. It could turn bad or good but everything has an outcome.  So anyways. Today is a the start of the work week and so far it has been a good day. More eventful then my days usua

Well hello all!!! I know I was supposed to post another blog yesterday and I legitimately was going to. As I started to post that there blog I realized that I had too much to say for just one blog. It was at that point that I had decided to write a book. Im not going to give out the details of the book because then it would simply be pointless to write it. But I can ensure one thing the book will contain things that are very true and very real. At the same time they are also very different from what you normally read and at one point its going to get a little heartbreaking. Well for the person writing it its going to be extremely heart breaking. But in the past I have wrote poems and I havent been able to write in a few years. It had to take me getting my heart broken again for the block to be released. Even so I still havent been able to write a poem but a book will come out of this heartbreak. Part of me is ready for the book to be done and over with because the good parts of the boo

Well hello my fellow Internet lovers. So I know that i have no readers for this but at this point I'm not concerned. i need to write in order to keep it together so that is what i am going to do!!! i guess i should start off by telling you about myself (which i hate doing). So anyways her it goes. i am 24 years old i was born in Tulsa OK where i still reside. i went to school in Catoosa and pretty much grew up there. i have a lot of memories in that small town of mine and i love it but i will never live there again. my mom passed away when i was 17 and after that my mom #2 took care of me and she passed when i was 19. my moms said they were never gay but to any on looker it appeared to be so but i don't care two mommies are better then one. no one really knows this but my first mom killed herself by over dose. my second mom passed away of bone cancer. its been really hard without them but i have been taught many things by each of them that i will never forget. we will get m