Grief changes shape, but never ends.

Even though this is sure to be a sad blog, I wanted to start off by saying woohooo!!! I'm up to 55 views!!! Its not much but that's a big deal. I kinda feel bad now for not posting near as much as I should. Well times are getting tough so I'm going to need my blog or as I like to call it venting post a lot more now lol. Some of you that know me personally and are reading this might be expecting a poem but I'm sorry to have to let you down. I have had writers block for a few years now and trust and believe that it is driving me insane. I wish I could compose a poem and I'm sure if I really tried I could but who has time. I vow to make time in the future. Perhaps if I get 75 views. Even though it took me a minute to decide whether or not to do so I have added my blog to my Facebook page (eek!) so perhaps we will get there soon.

      OK so lets get this started!! So not a lot is going on in life lately...work is going great, home life is well....home life I suppose. Its getting hard to be 24 years old and not being able to be a 24 year old, I have to act like I'm 30. We will just keep it at that. Well as some of you know the anniversary of my mom's death is coming up. Its a date that I wish I could forget but never will unless i get Alzheimer's and I definitely do not want that to happen. Over the years I have tried many coping mechanisms none of which seem to work. Some say that I should get over it or it shouldn't affect me the way in which it is. I only wish that I could get over it and move on but I cannot. My mom was always there no matter what and then unexpectedly I lose her and I should let go? Its really hard and that's all there is to it. This year marks the 7 year anniversary and I could only hope and pray that I could get over it or it didn't hurt like it happened yesterday. I wish I didn't have to take off every year on May 19th because the pain of the memory on that day is simply too much to bear. I only wish that I could go one year not hurting because of it, not crying when I see her or hear of things that she liked, not having to remember the pain of it everyday. I am a motherless daughter and there is nothing I can do to change that as badly as I wish I could. I have her picture up on my desk at work and try to avoid looking at it because every time I do I remember she is gone. She wasn't the best at everything but she was everything to me and now I don't have her.

      It all began on May 19th. after a long shift at Wendy's with the dearest Ali (thank god I had her through all this) we were sitting at Ali's house ( who I lived with at the time) enjoying the movie "Raise Your Voice." As I'm watching this I realize that I have not talked to my mom in a few days. I pick up my phone and see that it is past 3 in the morning and decide to call her the next day. Minutes later I hear my moms ring tone go off on my phone indicating that she is calling. I answer it and hear her roommates voice rather then hers. "Lindsay." She says it in a serious tone rather then a question which was the first sign something was wrong. "Whats wrong with Lainie?" is my first question as my little sister was recently in the hospital with pneumonia. As soon as I ask the question I realize that if the issue were with Lainie it would be my moms voice on the other end and not her roommates. "Whats wrong with mom?" at this point I am freaking out hysterically. "Lindsay, your mom is in a coma and we cant wake her up." I am on the front porch and start immediately crying and screaming "NO!" and fall to my knees. Ali comes outside to see what is going on and I throw the phone at her hoping they tell her this is a joke. I cant breathe at this point so I step off the porch and go to the street hoping the air flow is better there. I cant imagine losing my mom and fall to the ground again praying the hardest that I ever have that I don't lose her. This is the only prayer that has never been answered. Ali hands me the phone and I ask where my mother is. Her roommate tells me that she was taken to TRMC in downtown Tulsa. Me nor Ali know where this hospital is but we get in the car and drive. We stop at QT for gas and I ask the clerk with swollen eyes and tears staining my face if he knows where it is. With the most apologetic look in his face he tells me hes sorry but he does not. I wish I remembered this kid so I could apologize to him as I'm sure by my appearance he felt like crap for not knowing. After a drive that seemed to take forever we find the hospital. I have no idea where the emergency entrance is so we park somewhere and are basically running around the hospital. A young women comes out of a doorway and asks me if I am looking for my mom and points me in the direction I need to go. The doorway leads to a waiting room and I'm looking for a familiar face. Coming in from the outside doors I see my little brother Christopher and her roommate both bawling. All I hear is Chris screaming She's gone" and I grab him in a hug and collapse once more. I feel Ali crying next to me and remember looking up and seeing her face that expressed the deep sadness I had felt. I feel hands on my back trying to comfort me with no luck."We did everything we could." I hear the doctor say and I lash out with " If you did everything you could shed still be here!!" Who says that really...ugh...asshole. After I finally realize that I need to stay strong for my brother they ask me if I want to go see her. Of course I do because at this point I'm not ready to believe she is gone. Whats going to happen to us? Where will we go? Will we be split up? Who do I need to call? All of these things a 17 year old is thinking of when they shouldn't have to. I go into this room with Christopher and Lainie's dad. It was so unreal. She was so still and had all these tubes coming out of her and you could just tell that she was gone. I remember staring at her for the longest time just waiting, praying, hoping on everything that her chest would rise just to fall again and she would start breathing. I didn't want to leave and I didn't want to take my eyes off her because I was afraid if I did she would come back and I would miss it. 

           Oh man this is making me super sad and its past my bed time so if you're curious as to what happens next I'll post another blog tomorrow!!! Thanks for listening!! Well reading!!!