Never make someone a priority when you're just an option

  I had this all written out and thought i saved and published it but apparently this computer is stupid. So now i have to start this crap all over again and its never as good as it is the first time gah whatever.

  There are so many things that I want to say right now just to get off my chest because I'm hurting like hell and I don't know why. I know it happens every so often when your memory comes back into my mind  unexpected and uninvited for no apparent reason. I don't like being sad, I don't like having regret. I don't like remembering the bad times when there were far more good then bad. There were rarely any bad times at all really but it still hurts. They say out of sight out of mind and for the most part its true but it never helps me; it makes it worse. The most painful part is the girls ask where you are and I cant tell them you're gone but I cant tell them you're here either because I don't know you anymore. And it rips my heart in two to even admit to myself that I don't know you anymore. I wish it happened differently.

  All I ever here is how much I look like her, how much I act like her, how much I parent like her. And of course how much Whitlee looks like her. It hurts to hear these things because what I want the most is for her to tell me these things and that wont happen. I miss both my moms and lately its really been getting to me. I don't know if its because their birthdays are coming or the holidays or even the fact that the girls are growing up without their grandma and their Gigi but its killing me. No one knows this because I cant talk about it to anyone but Doll Face Kitty Pants and on rare glimpses Black Face Dicky Pants. What would they think of what has happened? What would they think of their grand kids? What would they think of their kids? All of these are questions I'll never have the answers to. I want nothing more then to be able to pick up the phone and call one of them just to hear their voice one more time. Just to get in the car and drive and feel the hug of a mothers love one more time. One more day, that's it.

   Another big issue I've been faced with lately. Salsa Face Rice Pants. This kid knows the worst things to say to get under my skin and do anything and everything to get to me in best way possible. It's not OK for anyone so you're done. I can't do back and forth and won't. Friends is cool but stop with the other crap. It's over it has to be. If you continue friends isn't an option. False hope and lies. That's all.

   Last night might have been one of the worst nights ever but I cant tell you why. I'm not sure what happened or how but all I know is I'm about to fall apart and that's all there is to it. I cant do this without you and if I have to I'm not too sure what will happen. I keep trying to remember the time before I needed you so much and what I did but in all honesty I really didn't do anything. I kept it all in and bottled up and almost exploded because of it. Now I don't have that and I'm stuck and lost and confused and above all things scared to death. I have always said without you I'm going to come apart at the seams and I'm pretty sure that's whats going to happen. I'm going to try to be strong and move on if that's what happens, and deep down in my heart I know it will which is why this is so hard. I'm not sure what to say or even do all I know is there will never be someone like you and I'm so thankful that I had an opportunity for you to teach me as much as you did. I love you more then anything in the world.

    I'm done for now I don't want to cry about this and I know at some point today that is bound to happen. stay tuned everyone and thanks for reading!