I knew it would hurt, so why did I do it?


So as my last blog said I thought I was going to lose someone very Very close to me and I did. The past few days have been close to the worst. I've had to act like everything is fine but it's not. I lost my best friend. For good this time. It is the worst pain in the entire world worse then losing someone to death. I see you I feel you I hear you but I can't touch you I can't talk to you I can't even look at you. When I do it stabs me in the heart. I wish I could take it back I wish I could change it and I wish I would've kept my word. My heart knew on this day that it was done I could feel it. But I didn't wanna believe it.

Since losing you my panic attacks are back and I feel like a zombie. But I've listened to you so well and have applied it. I've shown someone Lindsay and she still loves me. You were right. I wish I could talk to you and tell you all these things but I can't. I miss my best friend more then anything and feel like I'm dying inside. I can't take it. I need my friend back.

Everything happens for a reason and I guess there was a reason for this. I just wish you were still the BFDP I know. I don't wanna lose a friend like you ever again. Words can't express how sorry I am and how bad I wanna change it. But please know in your heart and see in my eyes that I love you and hold you dearly and always will. I miss you BFDP.

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