Forever Changed
First off I'm sorry i didn't post when I said I was going to. It got late and I got tired and fell asleep.I am not homeless just have been super busy. Things have changed just so much to fit in one blog and I think that at this point I'm just going to keep things to my self. I have no idea whats going on in my life right now to be quit frank and until I can figure it out for myself I simply cant share. There is a lot of loss and a lot of anxiety and a lot of stress going on and I'm not sure how to handle it or what to do to make it all better and no matter what I try or offer nothing is good enough. I need to know something but get told nothing and it always turns into a fight so I'm just going to look out for myself since i can't count on anyone else.
In other news, as most of you know mothers day and May 19th are a terrible time for me. Shockingly mothers day was a ton harder then the 19th. I worked both days and my mind was mostly busy. God taught me that there are some people out there that have it worse then me though. I work a second job at a retail store and I was cashiering mothers day. I got asked a million times if I was a mom and wished a million happy mothers days. I didn't let anyone see that I hate this day but one lady. She was about my age and it was clear that something was bothering her. She asked if I was a mom and wished me happy mothers day and when I asked her she said she was but her baby had just recently passed away. She then told me that she sat in her car for the longest time before she decided that she could actually come into the store and face the day. It was quite obvious that she had been crying and took everything in me not to go on the other side of the counter and hug her and tell her that eventually everything will be OK and that everything happens for a reason. She basically ran out of the store before her tears started to fall again. It was at that moment that I realized that losing my mom and facing mothers day was a heck of a lot easier then losing either one of my beautiful princesses and having to face this day. I felt so bad for this individual and wished that there was something that I could do to ease the pain but all I could think to do was pray so that's what I did.
On the 19th I told myself I wasn't going to cry and I wasn't going to let the day get to me but it did. I woke up angry and stayed that way all day. I called my dad like I do every year on this day and told him happy birthday and he does like he does every year and gets all serious voice on me and says how is everything going and I tell him fine hes like OK but how is everything else. And by everything else he always means "How are you handling the anniversary of your mom's death?" I tried not to think about it and it worked! I also had many great friends around to keep my mind off of it but had to avoid all sad songs.
That's all I have for now I'm super busy but I will post if not tonight in the next few days. Still trying to get ideas for poems people!!!!
In other news, as most of you know mothers day and May 19th are a terrible time for me. Shockingly mothers day was a ton harder then the 19th. I worked both days and my mind was mostly busy. God taught me that there are some people out there that have it worse then me though. I work a second job at a retail store and I was cashiering mothers day. I got asked a million times if I was a mom and wished a million happy mothers days. I didn't let anyone see that I hate this day but one lady. She was about my age and it was clear that something was bothering her. She asked if I was a mom and wished me happy mothers day and when I asked her she said she was but her baby had just recently passed away. She then told me that she sat in her car for the longest time before she decided that she could actually come into the store and face the day. It was quite obvious that she had been crying and took everything in me not to go on the other side of the counter and hug her and tell her that eventually everything will be OK and that everything happens for a reason. She basically ran out of the store before her tears started to fall again. It was at that moment that I realized that losing my mom and facing mothers day was a heck of a lot easier then losing either one of my beautiful princesses and having to face this day. I felt so bad for this individual and wished that there was something that I could do to ease the pain but all I could think to do was pray so that's what I did.
On the 19th I told myself I wasn't going to cry and I wasn't going to let the day get to me but it did. I woke up angry and stayed that way all day. I called my dad like I do every year on this day and told him happy birthday and he does like he does every year and gets all serious voice on me and says how is everything going and I tell him fine hes like OK but how is everything else. And by everything else he always means "How are you handling the anniversary of your mom's death?" I tried not to think about it and it worked! I also had many great friends around to keep my mind off of it but had to avoid all sad songs.
That's all I have for now I'm super busy but I will post if not tonight in the next few days. Still trying to get ideas for poems people!!!!
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