"I'm ok," she lied.

 

   There are times in your life when you learn to give up on your own happiness for the sake of someone else's. Its called being selfless. I've come to the realization today that I have done this for more then one person. I'm still struggling trying to let go for reasons that I cannot explain. Its like God likes to play this game where he sends me people to love with every fiber of my being, just to take them away from me. You'd think that I would have learned my lesson by now and just shut down but I haven't. Some times I wish I was incapable of love and emotionless so I wouldn't keep getting hurt. The fact of the  matter is that love consumes my life on so many levels. Erasing it is impossible.

  I'm still debating as to whether or not I want to post this blog. The truth is the past few months have lead me to a dark place. Probably the darkest I have ever been in my life. And before you even read this, don't feel sorry for me and don't tell me all the positive things I have going on in my life. Obviously I am aware that I have two jobs and two beautiful little girls that count on those two jobs for support and many other things. I am not stupid. Don't you think I've told myself that and that it would be working by now? Its not. I've tried to talk about it. I've tried to remember when I was happy and go back to that place. I've tried to see the positive in the future and looking forward to that and nothing is working. I used to rarely cry. I cry every damn day now. Everyday.

The truth is I've been looking for ways to cope. I've been considering all types if negative things to fix the pain and the hurt in myself and everyone else around me that's hurting and I don't know how. I'm finding it harder and harder to find things to look forward to. Words that everyone say don't make it better or fix it it simply shows me people do care. That's much appreciated but it doesn't fix it. I'm trying really hard to deal with the demons that I'm facing and to talk about it and handle it. I find strength in the people I love and care about the most and you three don't know how much you really mean to me but I'm so thankful I have you. I love you guys more then you'll ever imagine.

Holding this in has been killing me worse then I imagined. Dealing with it is getting hard to do. I want to fix everything and everyone to be happy and in turn am sacrificing my happiness. I don't even care anymore. If letting go of someone I hold so dear to my heart is what I have to do for them I'll give you every piece of me and then some just for your life to be the way it was before me. I care and love my dear friend so much that ill do whatever it takes to ensure everything is ok with them. Even if it means I can't be their best friend anymore. It's going to hurt like hell and it'll kill me but I'm already dead inside anyways. I never knew it would hurt this much to lose a friend.

So yes, I'm struggling and suffocating in the darkness and searching for the light. Yes I'm depressed and its getting worse before it gets better. Yes I know we don't have a future but I can't forget the past. But God has never given me anything I can't handle and I like a challenge. Ask me if I'm ok and I'll lie so don't waste you're time. I'm putting my life in God's hands now and taking the last advice BFDP will probably ever give me. I have faith and I CAN DO THIS!!!

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