Lyn-Z's Ashes

Day one. I cry I'm lost, hopeless, and hands tied. I can't sleep alone. The panic attacks,  the terrors. Day two. Something is wrong but what. I investigate.  The phone shows me the answer. The evidence is a dagger that stabs  my heart and twists. questioning confirms how often and how long its been and anger hits. Day three. I search. I sit in the closet in tears hiding from the little girl that calls you her second daddy. I don't want her to see the pain you've caused. Day four. I piece the puzzle slowly together and hurt more. I wish it was cheating instead. Day five. I regroup. Picking up the pieces of everything I've built that you have now torn down. Reminding myself how I was raised. Day six. Deliver apologies to the ones that were fully to blame when in reality it was you. Day seven. I'm getting stronger now. Hearing my mother's words echo in my head. I can and will do this alone. Day eight. I think. I hurt. I decide. And I pack. I can't Do it. T

       Before you even begin to read this, if you are against GLBT in anyway shape or form, then please close this and go back to Facebook because your negativity will not be tolerated.      Now that that is out of the way, as you all of you know, I am currently in a relationship with a boy. Engaged to him at that, and I love him more then anything. But since I first understood the meaning of it, and seeing the controversy over it, I have never understood why gay people cannot get married. Why can't they be happy too? How does it affect your daily life? Yes I like boys, and I like girls. No I am not selfish, No I am not confused and no this is not a phase. When I was 6 I had a crush on my best friend but I also had a crush on a boy. And yes I am a Christian. They take the pledge of allegiance out of schools because we are "one nation under God" yet gay people arent allowed equal rights because of Christianity? If they are taking God out of schools then why are they

I don't even know where to begin to start on this blog. We're a mere 30 minutes into the day and my mind is already numb and blank. The only way I'll find myself in a peaceful slumber tonight is with the assistance of a sleep aide. I know that as soon as my head hits the pillow and my eyes close, the darkness will start and May 19th 2005 at 3:06 am will play over in my head in the form of a horrible nightmare. So, without rhyme or reason or evening a starting point, I begin the story of my grief that has no ending.     I'm not sure if its the fact that I've been busy or concerned with other things in my life, or the fact that maybe I'm actually happy, but today hasn't much consumed my mind like it usually does this time of year. The only time I notice is when I look at a calendar. The unexplained outbursts of anger are still there, but less then often. But as soon as the clock struck midnight, I found myself quiet and stone faced. I look down at the clock an

Been a minute since we all have seen one of these huh? Throwing it back to the MySpace days! Got bored on this lovely Sunday and decided to post this! Enjoy! What would you be happy doing for hours on end? Shopping. Definitely shopping. What is one thing you always disagree on as a couple? Gosh that's a tough one. Probably where to go for dinner. What is one thing you always agree on? Cookies. Chocolate chip cookies lol What is your favorite olympic event? Gymnastics by far. If you had the money to buy your significant other any one thing right now what would you buy them? This is a trick question because there are lots of things that I want to buy him but he might not want. But above all a mustang. Would you rather be blind or deaf? Deaf. They have devices to heal the deaf and I couldn't bear not seeing my beautiful babies faces. What is one thing you admire about your mother (or mother figure)? Her mothering skills. I wish her life were a movie so I could

Never had I thought, That you'd come back to me. Never did I think, What an amazing journey it would be. After ten years of waiting, I found you back in my life. And like you never left, I can't wait to become your wife. You truly are The sweetest man alive. Our bond is something unbreakable, Guaranteed to thrive. With everything in me, I want only you forever. With every step into my future, I want you on every endeavor. Words will never express, The love I feel for you. Every time I kiss your lips, I find a feeling I never knew. Every morning I wake, And find you by my side, Is just another day, That I'm the happiest girl alive. No amount of time with you, Will ever be enough. No amount of words, Can ever express my love. I love you more than you can understand. I'll spend forever showing you. You are my heart and soul, And to you I'll always stay true.

I looked at your pictures yesterday. It was so hard to fight and hide the tears that were piecing my chest. As sad as it may be, sometimes I forget what you look like even though your face stares at me everyday in the form of a 6 year old little girl. I don't know what you are whispering in God's ear up there but thank you for helping him create a perfect little angel just for me that is a mirror image of you. Your oldest granddaughter is starting to grow up and look more and more like you everyday. There are times where it's hard to handle but then there are others that is completely blissful. It's very bitter sweet. Ryan says that you fell into the fountain of youth and came out as her. If I didn't know that you were in a better place I would believe it. The anniversary of the day that you went home is approaching quicker then I thought. Mother's Day too. Someone told me the other day to be happy for the ones that still have their moms on Mother's Day bu

     OK so if you pay attention to my facebook, you know that the other day was, as I like to call them, an "I need my mommy" kind of day. So after a long day of being sad and depressed about it I made the trip to her grave. It wasn't like it usually is where I find peace and feel better. I got so angry and cried. I got angry for the same reasons as always but I'm more pissed off because I'm still upset about it and it bothers me. I just want the anger and sadness and pain to be done and over with. It has to be one of the most frustrating things in the world not being over it yet. And then I question is it just me who runs through this thoughts after 8 years? I'm starting to feel like I'm literally insane. Someone please tell me that I am not the only one that feels like this?    Moving on. Doll Face Kitty Pants is gone for the weekend. She just left like an hour ago but I miss her already. Makes me sad because a month from now we will be in our own plac

     Hello everyone! First off I need to send a shout out to all my lovely readers! We have now reached over 1600 views which I find odd since I am not all that interesting! But thank you anyways!!!     Moving onward! Not a whole hell of a lot is going on aside from the blissful thing life hands us called love! Whitlee is doing fantastic in school and is getting better and better at life each day. Its a wonderful thing watching her mind grow. My best friend in the entire world Doll Face Kitty Pants is happier then I have seen her in a long time and its fantastic. I love that girl to death.   The job search is really going no where and its starting to eat at me more and more everyday. I actually enjoy the cooking and cleaning for the family everyday though which is shocking. I get to spend more time with the kiddos and friends and family so I am trying to stay positive but its becoming more and more difficult. I got approved for my unemployment so I have money coming in but at the e

     OK so looks like I'm back on the posting train!!! I just have so much happiness to share with the world!!! So much has happened in the weekend that I have to share it so here it goes!!!    OK so I had been forced to move for reasons that I am refusing to get into. Once again I was left with no where and nothing but its my fault that I put myself into these positions. No one else's. Just when I was about to go back to an unsafe environment I ended up being forced out of it. And like she always does in these situations, Doll Face Kitty Pants came through and rescued me. So now I stay with her. She means the world to me and I'll never be able to repay her and no words can ever explain my gratefulness for her. Although I have knocked myself down too many times to explain, I feel like I can finally see the light and see what I need to do for myself and my babies. I have a plan and an idea and plan on sticking to this idea. But all in all I'm more then blessed to have

First of all my deepest and sincere apologies for not writing a new blog sooner. this year has possibly been one of the very worst that I have experienced in a very long time but also one of the best. So here is my year at a glance...enjoy!          So basically I lost my job at Enterprise the day after my birthday. I still have Coach but that doesn't bring in a lot of money. Life is a struggle the past few days, well, month but its a learning experience. I'm trying my best and it never seems to be good enough for certain people but I am my own person and I'm hanging in there. I lost a lot of friends and did a lot of things that I regret and wish I could take back in the month of December but I know that will never be enough. Kinda like December of 2011. I miss all of my friends at Enterprise and for the most part have maintained to stay in contact with most of them. Doesn't make it any less hard.      My beautiful daughter Whitlee started kindergarten in August and