A mother is a daughters best friend
OK so if you pay attention to my facebook, you know that the other day was, as I like to call them, an "I need my mommy" kind of day. So after a long day of being sad and depressed about it I made the trip to her grave. It wasn't like it usually is where I find peace and feel better. I got so angry and cried. I got angry for the same reasons as always but I'm more pissed off because I'm still upset about it and it bothers me. I just want the anger and sadness and pain to be done and over with. It has to be one of the most frustrating things in the world not being over it yet. And then I question is it just me who runs through this thoughts after 8 years? I'm starting to feel like I'm literally insane. Someone please tell me that I am not the only one that feels like this?
Moving on. Doll Face Kitty Pants is gone for the weekend. She just left like an hour ago but I miss her already. Makes me sad because a month from now we will be in our own places and I am going to go insane without her. Its a good thing she will not be too far away. The move is going to be something big for me and I have a lot of fears but am keeping a positive outlook on it. Trust. That's all I can do and have done to this day. Nothing ever goes this good for me though so I'm waiting for the downfall which could lead to my downfall. I have a way of pushing people away unintentionally and I really don't want to do that this time. Some things are too good to be true but I know this one is just good and true. I keep yelling at myself internally to just let it be. So from this day on that is what I plan on doing.
Over the past few weeks my mind has been drifting to the past. Not the good things either. My mind keeps consuming me with negative memories of my mother and my father and its disturbing me. I know why I keep going to these places too. Every year from January 1st up until May 20th I get trapped into this deep dark hole that just reminds me that the anniversary of my mothers death is coming up. I dread it and just wish I could forget it more then anything. But the oddness of it all is that usually I just replay the death and the day over and over everyday until its over with. But this year is so much different. All I keep thinking is when I'd come home from school and she wouldn't be there how worried I would get. I always thought something bad had happened and that she had gotten into a wreck or something and was gone and that's why she wasn't answering her phone. Then she wouldn't get home until late and reminded me that she had something important to do that day. I remember feeling so lost and abandoned when she wasn't home which now I find extremely odd. Why would I automatically go to that? Why would I think that she would leave me and my brothers and sister like that? There are so many questions that I want answered and its so hard to keep the faith and just stop questioning God and stop being so angry about it.
Monday I was taking a nap by my wonderful boyfriends side. Due to the loss of two women that I was close to in my life, it has caused extreme anxiety issues. I cannot sleep alone and if I do or don't feel someone next to me I have night terrors. On this day I couldn't feel him next to me. I had a dream that I had seen my second mom. One of those ones where you know they are really there. I cried so hard in my dream that I woke up with tears rolling and my chest hurting. She told me that everything was going to be OK and that "it" was going to happen in 4 days. Tomorrow is the 4th day. It wasn't a bad "it" it was a good one. I guess I'll find out what it is tomorrow and let you guys know!
I have plenty of friends that help me when I need it but I don't want it to have to be like that. I want to do it alone I want to stop having to feel like this I just want it all to stop and it never will. I hate that I had to grow up at the age of 17. I hate still not knowing things that I should have been taught by a mother. The thing that I hate the most is that my children will grow up living a life not knowing their grandmother and not having anyone on Mommy's side to call grandma. No one to call and say "hey what do I do when they get a boyfriend? What do I say when they ask me where babies come from? what do I do the first time they get their heartbroken?" And whats worse is Whitlee is understanding more and more now. Every time we drive by a cemetery she says "That's where my grandma lives but she also lives in heaven." She will never know the amazing person that I knew. The girls have my grandma but for how long? All I can do is tell them stories and show them pictures. Yet all the memories I have are fading and the pictures are hard to find.
On to the next topic! Kinda.... Over the weekend I had to hang out with Sweet Face Love Pants mom. It was probably one of the hardest things that I've had to do in a long time. At the time I didn't think that it was going to be that hard until I seen the goodbye. I've hung out with people and their moms before and it didn't bother me. The goodbye was hard. I seen him hug his mom and lost it. I had to go in the house and lock myself in the bathroom to let the tears fall. When I heard him come in the house, I went out to the truck and he followed. I came back in and had to explain the tears. Its great to know that no matter what happens he is always there to comfort me.
So in conclusion, I feel confident to say that I have finally found the one person that I am going to be with forever. He makes me smile no matter how down I get and takes my breath away with every single kiss he plants on my lips. He has made my world complete and I couldn't possibly ask for more. It feels good to say that I am finally completely and utterly happy in life no matter what I've been through or what I may face in the future. I know no matter what comes our way we will face it together and make it through any storm. Good night everyone and best wishes.
Moving on. Doll Face Kitty Pants is gone for the weekend. She just left like an hour ago but I miss her already. Makes me sad because a month from now we will be in our own places and I am going to go insane without her. Its a good thing she will not be too far away. The move is going to be something big for me and I have a lot of fears but am keeping a positive outlook on it. Trust. That's all I can do and have done to this day. Nothing ever goes this good for me though so I'm waiting for the downfall which could lead to my downfall. I have a way of pushing people away unintentionally and I really don't want to do that this time. Some things are too good to be true but I know this one is just good and true. I keep yelling at myself internally to just let it be. So from this day on that is what I plan on doing.
Over the past few weeks my mind has been drifting to the past. Not the good things either. My mind keeps consuming me with negative memories of my mother and my father and its disturbing me. I know why I keep going to these places too. Every year from January 1st up until May 20th I get trapped into this deep dark hole that just reminds me that the anniversary of my mothers death is coming up. I dread it and just wish I could forget it more then anything. But the oddness of it all is that usually I just replay the death and the day over and over everyday until its over with. But this year is so much different. All I keep thinking is when I'd come home from school and she wouldn't be there how worried I would get. I always thought something bad had happened and that she had gotten into a wreck or something and was gone and that's why she wasn't answering her phone. Then she wouldn't get home until late and reminded me that she had something important to do that day. I remember feeling so lost and abandoned when she wasn't home which now I find extremely odd. Why would I automatically go to that? Why would I think that she would leave me and my brothers and sister like that? There are so many questions that I want answered and its so hard to keep the faith and just stop questioning God and stop being so angry about it.
Monday I was taking a nap by my wonderful boyfriends side. Due to the loss of two women that I was close to in my life, it has caused extreme anxiety issues. I cannot sleep alone and if I do or don't feel someone next to me I have night terrors. On this day I couldn't feel him next to me. I had a dream that I had seen my second mom. One of those ones where you know they are really there. I cried so hard in my dream that I woke up with tears rolling and my chest hurting. She told me that everything was going to be OK and that "it" was going to happen in 4 days. Tomorrow is the 4th day. It wasn't a bad "it" it was a good one. I guess I'll find out what it is tomorrow and let you guys know!
I have plenty of friends that help me when I need it but I don't want it to have to be like that. I want to do it alone I want to stop having to feel like this I just want it all to stop and it never will. I hate that I had to grow up at the age of 17. I hate still not knowing things that I should have been taught by a mother. The thing that I hate the most is that my children will grow up living a life not knowing their grandmother and not having anyone on Mommy's side to call grandma. No one to call and say "hey what do I do when they get a boyfriend? What do I say when they ask me where babies come from? what do I do the first time they get their heartbroken?" And whats worse is Whitlee is understanding more and more now. Every time we drive by a cemetery she says "That's where my grandma lives but she also lives in heaven." She will never know the amazing person that I knew. The girls have my grandma but for how long? All I can do is tell them stories and show them pictures. Yet all the memories I have are fading and the pictures are hard to find.
On to the next topic! Kinda.... Over the weekend I had to hang out with Sweet Face Love Pants mom. It was probably one of the hardest things that I've had to do in a long time. At the time I didn't think that it was going to be that hard until I seen the goodbye. I've hung out with people and their moms before and it didn't bother me. The goodbye was hard. I seen him hug his mom and lost it. I had to go in the house and lock myself in the bathroom to let the tears fall. When I heard him come in the house, I went out to the truck and he followed. I came back in and had to explain the tears. Its great to know that no matter what happens he is always there to comfort me.
So in conclusion, I feel confident to say that I have finally found the one person that I am going to be with forever. He makes me smile no matter how down I get and takes my breath away with every single kiss he plants on my lips. He has made my world complete and I couldn't possibly ask for more. It feels good to say that I am finally completely and utterly happy in life no matter what I've been through or what I may face in the future. I know no matter what comes our way we will face it together and make it through any storm. Good night everyone and best wishes.
Comments
Post a Comment