Lyn-Z's Ashes

This is just plain ridiculous. And absolutely crazy. So I'm sitting on the couch, trying to enjoy an awesome chick flick on Netflix, and I keep getting distracted. Something so simple and probably not distracting by any Means, and yet he draws me in.    Part of me hates to be able to put my emotions into words. Being a writer is a blessing, yes very much so. But it is also very much a curse. See, the thing is, when you're a writer, every sense that you experience is a story. Every emotion you have becomes a story. Nothing is simple.  As a writer, I see things differently. A flower can't simply be pretty. It has to be this magical thing that God put right in front of me just to brighten my day. Everything is easily translated into a beautiful story in my mind. All but one thing. Love. I've never been able to explain it or dissect it and put it into a story. The tragic thing about being a writer, you think in more detail then most. I feel so alone. I feel like...

Daddy's little girl died today. Mommy was packing everything in trash bags and told me and my baby brothers we were moving into grandma Lola's. I don't know why daddy doesn't love mommy anymore. All I know is were moving. And daddy's little girl is dead. I was 6 when daddy's little girl died. I remember he made Chris sit outside and wait for mom when he was maybe 2. He soiled his diaper and daddy didn't wanna change it. I don't know why he helped create 3 babies and cared more about booze and cigarettes then his own flesh. Shortly after that mom left him. I remember seeing him occasionally but it wasn't the same. Daddy was irreplaceable and no one would ever change that. I didn't care if they weren't together. The 6 year old onside of me always knew they would be back together. Up until I was 11, I never lost hope. Being with grandma made things easier. Mommy was getting ready for something but I didn't know what. While watching mommy, ...

During my downtime, my daydreams are filled with images of you. During the night my dreams are filled with images of you. Though the timing is different, the images are all the same. You're really there, and I can feel the texture of your skin while I'm in your arms. Then I wake and snap back to reality and realize the horrible nightmare that I am faced with. You arent here, and you're never coming back.   In general, I have the perfect life. I have an amazing husband who treats my girls as though they are his and nothing has ever been different. I have an amazing job and wake up looking forward to going to everyday. I have family and friends that are there no matter what and help me anyway they can when they can. However, daily, I find a hole in my heart where you used to be. Its been the longest time that I have seen you and heard your voice that I wouldn’t know what you would look like if it weren't for the photos. Just when I think I have forgotten about the pain,...

I can't even begin to sleep right now. I haven't even published anything in like a year. I find myself attempting to begin a blog and then life's little imperfections seem to interrupt me every time. Seems like when life is going where I want it to go that I forget the little things. And yet when nothing is going as planned I find myself pouring my heart out to strangers. All I can continue to do is pray and keep faith and trust God. I've found myself taking the little things for granted and then when they're no longer there I look for anyone to blame but myself. Even if all the reasons for goodbye point back to me. Things used to be like that, things used to be done like this; and we blame time for change. it was up until now that I blamed time, when all along it was me. The things that used to happen  everyday 2 years ago now only come on special occasions. If that. And in my mind it was because instead of things being new they are known. You're no  longer t...

                  Well I never even know where to begin these darn things.I usually try to do a recap of everything that happened in the past year, but so much has happened in the last year that I don't even know where to begin that. The year sure did throw some challenges my way that I never thought that i was going to make it through but somehow I did. One thing did and always will remain the same: my girls remain the light in my life that never grows dim and a love that will never fade. If it weren't for my babies, I'd never make it through the day.   I've lost plenty of people in my life this year with good reason. One being that the whole situation wasn't right to begin with the other being that what people were doing were not for a good cause and they simply had to go. It has not left me without the pain of loss as much as I wish the  pain would have left with the people. Days I find myself wondering why I let mysel...

Day one. I cry I'm lost, hopeless, and hands tied. I can't sleep alone. The panic attacks,  the terrors. Day two. Something is wrong but what. I investigate.  The phone shows me the answer. The evidence is a dagger that stabs  my heart and twists. questioning confirms how often and how long its been and anger hits. Day three. I search. I sit in the closet in tears hiding from the little girl that calls you her second daddy. I don't want her to see the pain you've caused. Day four. I piece the puzzle slowly together and hurt more. I wish it was cheating instead. Day five. I regroup. Picking up the pieces of everything I've built that you have now torn down. Reminding myself how I was raised. Day six. Deliver apologies to the ones that were fully to blame when in reality it was you. Day seven. I'm getting stronger now. Hearing my mother's words echo in my head. I can and will do this alone. Day eight. I think. I hurt. I decide. And I pack. I can't Do it. T...

       Before you even begin to read this, if you are against GLBT in anyway shape or form, then please close this and go back to Facebook because your negativity will not be tolerated.      Now that that is out of the way, as you all of you know, I am currently in a relationship with a boy. Engaged to him at that, and I love him more then anything. But since I first understood the meaning of it, and seeing the controversy over it, I have never understood why gay people cannot get married. Why can't they be happy too? How does it affect your daily life? Yes I like boys, and I like girls. No I am not selfish, No I am not confused and no this is not a phase. When I was 6 I had a crush on my best friend but I also had a crush on a boy. And yes I am a Christian. They take the pledge of allegiance out of schools because we are "one nation under God" yet gay people are...