Lyn-Z's Ashes

          OK I need to work on this manuscript but I cant because I'm scared. I need my best friend to tell me to shut up and do it. Well he's gone so imma have to do this one alone. I don't wanna do this gah. I don't think I'm ready...         I'm talking about the poem book. My poem book. My most intimate feelings and secrets. My book. Get it published is all I ever hear. Finally after being told one last time to do it, I find a publisher. When submitting my manuscript, I freeze. I'm still fighting with myself on whether to do it or not and all I hear is BFDP voice in my freaking head screaming shut up and do it. Then I scream back that he isn't my friend anymore then I punch him in the face because we aren't friends anymore and it still hurts. I wish it didn't and I wish it was easy but its not and I'm trying My hardest. gah. The thought of the whole thing sent me into a panic attack....I HAVE TO DO THIS!!! He has helped me a lot and ...

I PROMISE TO ALWAYS BE HONEST NO MATTER WHAT THE LIE I PROMISE TO STAY BY YOUR SIDE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS SUPPORT YOU NO MATTER THE PATH YOU CHOOSE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS CHEER YOU ON NO MATTER IF YOU WIN OR LOSE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY WHEN YOURE FEELING SAD I PROMISE TO TRY MY HARDEST TO NEVER MAKE YOU MAD I PROMISE TO ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU WHENEVER YOU GET ILL I PROMISE TO ALWAYS HELP YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOUR WILL I PROMISE TO ALWAYS TRY NO MATTER WHAT THE TASK I PROMISE TO ALWAYS CONSIDER ANYTHING YOU ASK I PROMISE TO ALWAYS BE FAITHFUL NO MATTER WHAT TEMPTATION BRINGS I PROMISE TO ALWAYS TREAT YOU RIGHT YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A KING I PROMISE TO STAY WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IM COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TILL I GET TO BE YOUR WIFE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS LOVE YOU WITH EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART I PROMISE I ALWAS WILL EVEN WHEN OUR SOULS DEPART

After so much hurt and pain, I locked myself away. My heart was beaten too badly, My soul had turned to gray. I vowed to never love, The way I’ve always desired. The loss of love in the past, Had my heart beat and tired. So I buried Lindsay in a closet, She still believed in forever. Portrayed myself as Lynzee, All she knew was never. With every new relationship, Lindsay became forgotten. Lynzee ignored that she existed, After being hurt all too often. He came out of no where, And found the closet door. Discovered the real Lindsay, And reminded her of her dreams before. He became Lindsay’s guide, Encouraging her she’d succeed. If only she’d find true love, That would be all she’d ever need. So here’s to taking chances, Here’s to finding the one. I couldn’t have done it without you, Thank you for all you’ve done.

So as my last blog said I thought I was going to lose someone very Very close to me and I did. The past few days have been close to the worst. I've had to act like everything is fine but it's not. I lost my best friend. For good this time. It is the worst pain in the entire world worse then losing someone to death. I see you I feel you I hear you but I can't touch you I can't talk to you I can't even look at you. When I do it stabs me in the heart. I wish I could take it back I wish I could change it and I wish I would've kept my word. My heart knew on this day that it was done I could feel it. But I didn't wanna believe it. Since losing you my panic attacks are back and I feel like a zombie. But I've listened to you so well and have applied it. I've shown someone Lindsay and she still loves me. You were right. I wish I could talk to you and tell you all these things but I can't. I miss my best friend more then anything and feel like I...

  I had this all written out and thought i saved and published it but apparently this computer is stupid. So now i have to start this crap all over again and its never as good as it is the first time gah whatever.   There are so many things that I want to say right now just to get off my chest because I'm hurting like hell and I don't know why. I know it happens every so often when your memory comes back into my mind  unexpected and uninvited for no apparent reason. I don't like being sad, I don't like having regret. I don't like remembering the bad times when there were far more good then bad. There were rarely any bad times at all really but it still hurts. They say out of sight out of mind and for the most part its true but it never helps me; it makes it worse. The most painful part is the girls ask where you are and I cant tell them you're gone but I cant tell them you're here either because I don't know you anymore. And it rips my heart in two to ...

Ok so some of you know and some of you do not about the events that occurred last weekend. Since word is traveling fast let me just explain to the world what went down, as embarrassing as it is. I decided randomly one day that I needed to get outta dodge and go on a vacation. Didn't know and didn't care where. Me and doll face kitty pants decided to go to OKC and didn't really have a plan where or what to do. Things unavoidable occurred and doll face kitty pants couldn't go. I was determined to go even if it was alone. After discussing it with sexy face tall pants I had a partner in crime. Plan was to go to Bricktown and get FUCKED UP!!!! Hotel was reserved right on the strip so no one had to drive and partying could be done hard. After arriving we check into the hotel and head to the outlet mall. Nothing special there. Get back to the hotel and get ready for a night I can barely remember. First stop is Tap Works. We each had a beer and a shot. Then we decide to get...

   Ok so as the 57 readers that read my blog yesterday know, my last post has been deleted. Quite frankly im pissed as fuck about having to delete it because my Doll Face Kitty Pants didnt get to read it and it was a freaking good one. I started this blog to get rid of the emotions that I bottle up without having to filter it and it has turned around to bite me in the ass. Now people are getting butt hurt and I'm losing friendships over something that wasnt aimed at anyone so fuck it. I dont give a damn anymore this is for me not you, get to steppin if you feel the need to. BASBHAT. Google it if you dont know it. Live by it if you do.    As you all know my blog titles are always a quote or something of the sort pertaining to what the blog is about. in finding a title for this one I was faced with two decisions. The one I chose, and "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." I turned to my Black Face Dicky Pants and of course Doll Face Kitt...