Lyn-Z's Ashes

Never again will I experience, A love like I shared with you. I wish I would have told you sooner, I just thought you always knew. Looking back now I see, All the things I didn't do right. I wish it didn't take losing you, To finally see the light. The love we had was real; Something ill never forget. No matter how bad it hurts, It's something I'll never regret. If only I had a time machine, I'd simply go back in time. Change things that happened, So I could forever make you mine. I've tried so hard to move on, Let you be happy in life. But I just can't let you go, No matter how hard I try. I love you to this day, Just like I did back then. I promise you ill move on, I just can't promise you when. I can't help but look in your eyes, And love you more and more. You played a big part in my life, And will always be someone I adore. I'll never be able to thank you enough, For the way you made me feel. You gave me a lov...

Ok so I started writing this on my mom's birthday but couldn't bring myself to finish it so finally here it is!!! Happy Birthday Mommy Today is your 43rd birthday. I thought it'd be easier by now. But I think of your pretty face, And in my tears I drown. I'm trying to fight through the pain, The heartache and the fears. Remembering the good times you had, In your brief 36 years. Every time I'd ask "Mom, what do I get you this year?" "Write me a poem." You'd say, And you always held it dear. I always think of what it'd be like If you were with us today. But rather then a celebration, This day only brings dismay. You meant the world to me. I never told you enough. I miss you more then anything. Even more when times get tough. There are so many things I want to say. So many things I wanted you to know. I simply wish I would have told you Before it was your time to go. I'm trying to smile, I'm trying to ...

     There are times in your life when you learn to give up on your own happiness for the sake of someone else's. Its called being selfless. I've come to the realization today that I have done this for more then one person. I'm still struggling trying to let go for reasons that I cannot explain. Its like God likes to play this game where he sends me people to love with every fiber of my being, just to take them away from me. You'd think that I would have learned my lesson by now and just shut down but I haven't. Some times I wish I was incapable of love and emotionless so I wouldn't keep getting hurt. The fact of the  matter is that love consumes my life on so many levels. Erasing it is impossible.   I'm still debating as to whether or not I want to post this blog. The truth is the past few months have lead me to a dark place. Probably the darkest I have ever been in my life. And before you even read this, don't feel sorry for me and don't tell m...

          OK I need to work on this manuscript but I cant because I'm scared. I need my best friend to tell me to shut up and do it. Well he's gone so imma have to do this one alone. I don't wanna do this gah. I don't think I'm ready...         I'm talking about the poem book. My poem book. My most intimate feelings and secrets. My book. Get it published is all I ever hear. Finally after being told one last time to do it, I find a publisher. When submitting my manuscript, I freeze. I'm still fighting with myself on whether to do it or not and all I hear is BFDP voice in my freaking head screaming shut up and do it. Then I scream back that he isn't my friend anymore then I punch him in the face because we aren't friends anymore and it still hurts. I wish it didn't and I wish it was easy but its not and I'm trying My hardest. gah. The thought of the whole thing sent me into a panic attack....I HAVE TO DO THIS!!! He has helped me a lot and ...

I PROMISE TO ALWAYS BE HONEST NO MATTER WHAT THE LIE I PROMISE TO STAY BY YOUR SIDE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS SUPPORT YOU NO MATTER THE PATH YOU CHOOSE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS CHEER YOU ON NO MATTER IF YOU WIN OR LOSE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY WHEN YOURE FEELING SAD I PROMISE TO TRY MY HARDEST TO NEVER MAKE YOU MAD I PROMISE TO ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU WHENEVER YOU GET ILL I PROMISE TO ALWAYS HELP YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOUR WILL I PROMISE TO ALWAYS TRY NO MATTER WHAT THE TASK I PROMISE TO ALWAYS CONSIDER ANYTHING YOU ASK I PROMISE TO ALWAYS BE FAITHFUL NO MATTER WHAT TEMPTATION BRINGS I PROMISE TO ALWAYS TREAT YOU RIGHT YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A KING I PROMISE TO STAY WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IM COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TILL I GET TO BE YOUR WIFE I PROMISE TO ALWAYS LOVE YOU WITH EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART I PROMISE I ALWAS WILL EVEN WHEN OUR SOULS DEPART

After so much hurt and pain, I locked myself away. My heart was beaten too badly, My soul had turned to gray. I vowed to never love, The way I’ve always desired. The loss of love in the past, Had my heart beat and tired. So I buried Lindsay in a closet, She still believed in forever. Portrayed myself as Lynzee, All she knew was never. With every new relationship, Lindsay became forgotten. Lynzee ignored that she existed, After being hurt all too often. He came out of no where, And found the closet door. Discovered the real Lindsay, And reminded her of her dreams before. He became Lindsay’s guide, Encouraging her she’d succeed. If only she’d find true love, That would be all she’d ever need. So here’s to taking chances, Here’s to finding the one. I couldn’t have done it without you, Thank you for all you’ve done.

So as my last blog said I thought I was going to lose someone very Very close to me and I did. The past few days have been close to the worst. I've had to act like everything is fine but it's not. I lost my best friend. For good this time. It is the worst pain in the entire world worse then losing someone to death. I see you I feel you I hear you but I can't touch you I can't talk to you I can't even look at you. When I do it stabs me in the heart. I wish I could take it back I wish I could change it and I wish I would've kept my word. My heart knew on this day that it was done I could feel it. But I didn't wanna believe it. Since losing you my panic attacks are back and I feel like a zombie. But I've listened to you so well and have applied it. I've shown someone Lindsay and she still loves me. You were right. I wish I could talk to you and tell you all these things but I can't. I miss my best friend more then anything and feel like I...