Lyn-Z's Ashes

Daddy's little girl died today. Mommy was packing everything in trash bags and told me and my baby brothers we were moving into grandma Lola's. I don't know why daddy doesn't love mommy anymore. All I know is were moving. And daddy's little girl is dead. I was 6 when daddy's little girl died. I remember he made Chris sit outside and wait for mom when he was maybe 2. He soiled his diaper and daddy didn't wanna change it. I don't know why he helped create 3 babies and cared more about booze and cigarettes then his own flesh. Shortly after that mom left him. I remember seeing him occasionally but it wasn't the same. Daddy was irreplaceable and no one would ever change that. I didn't care if they weren't together. The 6 year old onside of me always knew they would be back together. Up until I was 11, I never lost hope. Being with grandma made things easier. Mommy was getting ready for something but I didn't know what. While watching mommy, 

During my downtime, my daydreams are filled with images of you. During the night my dreams are filled with images of you. Though the timing is different, the images are all the same. You're really there, and I can feel the texture of your skin while I'm in your arms. Then I wake and snap back to reality and realize the horrible nightmare that I am faced with. You arent here, and you're never coming back.   In general, I have the perfect life. I have an amazing husband who treats my girls as though they are his and nothing has ever been different. I have an amazing job and wake up looking forward to going to everyday. I have family and friends that are there no matter what and help me anyway they can when they can. However, daily, I find a hole in my heart where you used to be. Its been the longest time that I have seen you and heard your voice that I wouldn’t know what you would look like if it weren't for the photos. Just when I think I have forgotten about the pain,

I can't even begin to sleep right now. I haven't even published anything in like a year. I find myself attempting to begin a blog and then life's little imperfections seem to interrupt me every time. Seems like when life is going where I want it to go that I forget the little things. And yet when nothing is going as planned I find myself pouring my heart out to strangers. All I can continue to do is pray and keep faith and trust God. I've found myself taking the little things for granted and then when they're no longer there I look for anyone to blame but myself. Even if all the reasons for goodbye point back to me. Things used to be like that, things used to be done like this; and we blame time for change. it was up until now that I blamed time, when all along it was me. The things that used to happen  everyday 2 years ago now only come on special occasions. If that. And in my mind it was because instead of things being new they are known. You're no  longer t

                  Well I never even know where to begin these darn things.I usually try to do a recap of everything that happened in the past year, but so much has happened in the last year that I don't even know where to begin that. The year sure did throw some challenges my way that I never thought that i was going to make it through but somehow I did. One thing did and always will remain the same: my girls remain the light in my life that never grows dim and a love that will never fade. If it weren't for my babies, I'd never make it through the day.   I've lost plenty of people in my life this year with good reason. One being that the whole situation wasn't right to begin with the other being that what people were doing were not for a good cause and they simply had to go. It has not left me without the pain of loss as much as I wish the  pain would have left with the people. Days I find myself wondering why I let myself get into the situations and the circu