Lyn-Z's Ashes

                                                         She sat there alone in that disgusting hotel room again. She had no idea where he was, what on earth he was doing, or who he was with. And to be honest, she didn't care. If he wasn't there, he couldn't hurt her. She was used to figuring out how she was going to get to work the next day in the event that he never showed up, used to defending herself against outrageous accusations, and used to trying to shield herself from his deafening blows. Her dreams were no longer of what she would do with her life, but surviving the life that she had.  Her heart was too big and she was too forgiving. She thought she could pray the devil out of him. She thought if she put up with all of the pain, all the bruises, all the trauma, that he would see that not all people are bad, not everyone leaves, and that he is worthy of love. But he saw what she had to offer and destroyed every ounce of self worth she had left. He never deserved an

                                   Before she lets you in she needs to let you know. She needs you to know that she's broken. She needs you to know that she doesn't know when or if ever she will heal. She needs you to know that all she's known is hurt. She needs you to know that she's convinced herself that she doesn't deserve someone like you. She needs you to know that she needs constant reassurance. She needs you to know that she will always ask if you're sure. She needs you to know that all she's known is loss. She needs you to know that she is always expecting that loss. She needs you to know that she's constantly waiting for you to leave. She needs you to know that she's praying you never will. She needs you to know that she has a huge heart. She needs you to know that all anyone has ever done is break it. She needs you to know that the entire month of May is a nightmare for her. She needs you to know that more than anything, s

           I don't even know where to begin. I want to tell you everything but I don't know where to start. Guess I should start by telling you that nothing is what it seems. It hasn't been for a long time now. I just didn't know how to tell you. If you have someone in your life that suddenly stops reaching out first, cancels on plans, or is just all around not themselves, I urge you to reach out. Sometimes someone is dying to tell you but they don't want to admit to themselves because they're ashamed or in denial about what they're going through So here we go.      I am a domestic violence survivor.      I hate saying that. I hate typing it. Hell I hate to think of myself as a survivor.  The definition of survivor is "a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died." It takes me a while to wrap my head around this. I lost a very dear friend of mine to domestic violence. And while I was tryi

         I feel like everyone needs to hear it. Even though most people have seen it their entire life no one really lives by it. I’ve been keeping to myself for the most part. I don’t go out much. If you know me at all, you know I’m a social butterfly. I guess I realized I needed to reel some things back in and get some things sorted out. So if you invited me to something I would want to go. But I would choose to stay in. Little things didn’t seem so important anymore and unfortunately, while I was working on myself I accidentally pushed everyone out and isolated myself only hurting me in the long run. So if you were one these people that I pushed out, just know that I miss you and pray for you daily. Which brings me to my next point. You couldn’t read a title like that and not expect this to be faith based right? Now when I was a little girl, I went to church every Wednesday and Sunday.  When I was in the second grade and had a crush on my girl best friend, I prayed for the lord t

             One day it’ll hit you. And you’ll never see it coming. And you’ll give it your all just to realize you can’t do that. Because your all was taking from you over the years. You’ve adapted to your surroundings and become a stranger to yourself. You’ve been beaten down so much that you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back at you. And when that one person, your angel, you saving grace, your gift from God shows you the life you’ve fought for, you convince yourself that it’s not something you deserve. Because if no one before them could do it then why would it happen for you now? You literally destroy everything in your wake because everything before them has shown you and told you you’re not worthy of the right person to love you. So what do you do? Reset yourself. Relearn yourself. Relove yourself. No one needs a time machine to start over. So this is my rebirth. I’m letting go of the past. The pain. The hurt. And I’m never looking back.        

First of all, screw 2017. 2018 is my year. I’m going to focus on me. Screw everyone else. It’s past due time for me. Y’all, I don’t mind helping. But my give a damn is officially broken. ✌🏼 This year I refuse to put myself out there for fuck boys and girls. You don’t wanna put time and effort into what I have to offer then bye! Your loss because I’m pretty fucking amazing. Don’t call me when you’re fucked up and wanna cuddle. Don’t call me to come fix something someone else broke.  Don’t call me unless you want me. And not just for the night. I understand people have struggles and difficult times in their life. I am the queen of struggle. I am the conqueror of difficult times. I understand that another human has broken you that you feel like there is no repairing what is lost. But I’m telling you there is. No one wants to get hurt in this life. But if no one ever took a chance on something, we would never be able to discover our true selves. And I’m not saying I’m looking for love a