Lyn-Z's Ashes

After so much hurt and pain, I locked myself away. My heart was beaten too badly, My soul had turned to gray. I vowed to never love, The way I’ve always desired. The loss of love in the past, Had my heart beat and tired. So I buried Lindsay in a closet, She still believed in forever. Portrayed myself as Lynzee, All she knew was never. With every new relationship, Lindsay became forgotten. Lynzee ignored that she existed, After being hurt all too often. He came out of no where, And found the closet door. Discovered the real Lindsay, And reminded her of her dreams before. He became Lindsay’s guide, Encouraging her she’d succeed. If only she’d find true love, That would be all she’d ever need. So here’s to taking chances, Here’s to finding the one. I couldn’t have done it without you, Thank you for all you’ve done.

So as my last blog said I thought I was going to lose someone very Very close to me and I did. The past few days have been close to the worst. I've had to act like everything is fine but it's not. I lost my best friend. For good this time. It is the worst pain in the entire world worse then losing someone to death. I see you I feel you I hear you but I can't touch you I can't talk to you I can't even look at you. When I do it stabs me in the heart. I wish I could take it back I wish I could change it and I wish I would've kept my word. My heart knew on this day that it was done I could feel it. But I didn't wanna believe it. Since losing you my panic attacks are back and I feel like a zombie. But I've listened to you so well and have applied it. I've shown someone Lindsay and she still loves me. You were right. I wish I could talk to you and tell you all these things but I can't. I miss my best friend more then anything and feel like I&#

  I had this all written out and thought i saved and published it but apparently this computer is stupid. So now i have to start this crap all over again and its never as good as it is the first time gah whatever.   There are so many things that I want to say right now just to get off my chest because I'm hurting like hell and I don't know why. I know it happens every so often when your memory comes back into my mind  unexpected and uninvited for no apparent reason. I don't like being sad, I don't like having regret. I don't like remembering the bad times when there were far more good then bad. There were rarely any bad times at all really but it still hurts. They say out of sight out of mind and for the most part its true but it never helps me; it makes it worse. The most painful part is the girls ask where you are and I cant tell them you're gone but I cant tell them you're here either because I don't know you anymore. And it rips my heart in two to