Lyn-Z's Ashes

                                                         She sat there alone in that disgusting hotel room again. She had no idea where he was, what on earth he was doing, or who he was with. And to be honest, she didn't care. If he wasn't there, he couldn't hurt her. She was used to figuring out how she was going to get to work the next day in the event that he never showed up, used to defending herself against outrageous accusations, and used to trying to shield herself from his deafening blows. Her dreams were no longer of what she would do with her life, but surviving the life that she had.  Her heart was too big and she was too forgiving. She thought she could pray the devil out of him. She thought if she put up with all of the pain, all the bruises, all the trauma, that he would see that not all people are bad, not everyone leaves, and that he is worthy of love. But he saw what she had to offer and destroyed every ounce of self worth she had left. He never deserved an

                                   Before she lets you in she needs to let you know. She needs you to know that she's broken. She needs you to know that she doesn't know when or if ever she will heal. She needs you to know that all she's known is hurt. She needs you to know that she's convinced herself that she doesn't deserve someone like you. She needs you to know that she needs constant reassurance. She needs you to know that she will always ask if you're sure. She needs you to know that all she's known is loss. She needs you to know that she is always expecting that loss. She needs you to know that she's constantly waiting for you to leave. She needs you to know that she's praying you never will. She needs you to know that she has a huge heart. She needs you to know that all anyone has ever done is break it. She needs you to know that the entire month of May is a nightmare for her. She needs you to know that more than anything, s

           I don't even know where to begin. I want to tell you everything but I don't know where to start. Guess I should start by telling you that nothing is what it seems. It hasn't been for a long time now. I just didn't know how to tell you. If you have someone in your life that suddenly stops reaching out first, cancels on plans, or is just all around not themselves, I urge you to reach out. Sometimes someone is dying to tell you but they don't want to admit to themselves because they're ashamed or in denial about what they're going through So here we go.      I am a domestic violence survivor.      I hate saying that. I hate typing it. Hell I hate to think of myself as a survivor.  The definition of survivor is "a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died." It takes me a while to wrap my head around this. I lost a very dear friend of mine to domestic violence. And while I was tryi